30 hugs
by Madhumalati
Summary: 30 stories for the 85 pairing. Theme: the wrong words. Summary: He’d always known Hakkai was a manipulative, devious little beast, but this was going way too far.
1. Acclimatisation

A/N: all right, so I've claimed 85 as my pairing at the 30hugs livejournal community. I have thirty stories and three months to write them in. Hmm.

_**Title: **_Acclimatisation

_**Fandom: **_Saiyuki

_**Theme: **_#16 think of me and I'll be there

_**Pairing: **_85, implied 39

_**Summary: **_Insomnia might just be contagious……and companionship addictive.

There was a very simple reason why Hakkai insisted on double rooms when even Goku wanted his privacy. It had little to do with the reasons he stated, which varied from increased safety in case of an attack to cutting down on costs.

It was simply that being alone was something he was unaccustomed to and uncomfortable with, and that the others were less likely to notice if they could not perceive the pattern.

He had grown accustomed to the presence of others in his sleep. In the orphanage, they had been packed fairly close together, and though he had disliked everyone there it had made him get used to having others around him.

Then Kanan; sweet, soft Kanan, who twined around him as if she had always fit there, perfect. He could still remember the rhythm of her breathing, gentle and contented.

And Gojyo, of course. Not that they shared a bed as he and Kanan had, but it was still comforting to feel the warmth beside him, and Gojyo snored when he had a cold, but it was still acceptable.

Even on this journey, he had usually roomed with someone else; and even Sanzo's stiff form across the room, tense even in sleep, could suffice, or Goku sprawling and mumbling in his sleep. Gojyo was best of all, of course, because Hakkai had listened to him for so long, and because he was the only one who touched Hakkai; and he had been rooming with Hakkai more often now that Sanzo was sleeping with Goku.

And Hakkai had…become accustomed to it.

It was a weakness, and one he didn't want to admit he had.

It wasn't the warmth, not exactly. It was simply, he had realised, a need to anchor himself into reality, to know that there was greater security than his own wariness, to remember that there was something in the world other than darkness and his own body; a point of reference.

And this was exactly why he hadn't wanted a single room tonight.

But Sanzo had roared that he was sick of them all and that he wanted a night of peace and quiet; whereupon Gojyo had slunk an arm around his thin bare shoulders, given him his best leer and told him that he wanted a single room as well, because he had plans; and then Goku had indignantly demanded one as well, because why was he always excluded? And so they'd retired to their rooms, and now he couldn't sleep.

The stars were particularly bright tonight, and he amused himself by tracking the constellations. He was still wide awake and unlikely to fall asleep at this rate, and he resigned himself to a headache the next morning. The puddle of moonlight edged across the room.

The bed was definitely too big.

'Hey. You awake?'

He rolled over and opened his eyes, seeing a tall thin blur briefly silhouetted in the connecting doorway, before the door shut and only moonlight brightened the room. Gojyo? At this time? 'What is it? Is something wrong?'

'Can't sleep.' His voice was blurry, and he was clutching an extra pillow, a bedsheet trailing from under his right arm. The image was ridiculously like a child sneaking into its parents' bedroom after a nightmare, and Hakkai stifled a laugh.

'And?' he ventured cautiously.

'Move over,' Gojyo demanded sleepily, and he shoved lightly at Hakkai's shoulders.

Hakkai moved over obediently, and the bed creaked and sagged slightly under the double burden it wasn't built to take. 'If this breaks, you're responsible,' he warned, an irrepressible smile stealing over him.

'Yeah, yeah, sensei,' Gojyo murmured, and tucked his face into Hakkai's hair. One heavy arm fell solidly across his waist, and a leg rose to tangle with both of his. Hakkai pushed back into the embrace, and he nearly hummed with delight as another arm worked under his neck, wrapping him in a comfortable Gojyo-cocoon.

'Good night,' Hakkai said quietly.

A soft contented rumbling was his only answer.

Hakkai's eyes drooped. My, he was feeling drowsy already.


	2. One true wish

_**Title: **_One true wish

_**Fandom: **_Saiyuki

_**Theme: **_#13: euthanasia

_**Pairing: **_85

If I had a wish, it would be to be undone, to be removed from existence.

Not death, because death is too impermanent, for death does not erase my sins, does not remove my burden, does not make me less than the monster I have become. And I cannot wish for death, because I know too well what death does to those left behind, and I cannot inflict that upon anyone.

No, my wish runs deeper. I wish to be erased, for it to be made as if I never was, for the warp and weft of action and every consequence to be remade in a universe where I never existed. I wish to die a far more profound death than that which the stilling of a heart could produce.

That will be an easy thing, I believe. There will be no lingering attachment, no painful memory, nothing good to bind me back into life, no connection. And all the ugliness I have caused will be removed, gone as if it never was. So many lives spared, so much pain and sorrow and wasted effort relieved. It would be a merciful thing, to unravel such diseased threads, to end such a sickening life.

I have been less than worthless.

Perhaps my unmaking would be a better thing for all concerned than my life has been.

If I had a wish, it would be to be undone, to be removed from existence.

If only you didn't hold so tight.


	3. Keepsake

_**Title: **_Keepsake

_**Fandom: **_Saiyuki

_**Pairing: **_85

_**Theme:**_ #4: teddy bear

_**Summary:**_

The next town they reached after the incident with the bears was a sizable one. In the morning, Gojyo went out to Jeep last and found a teddy bear perched innocently in his seat. Goku, Hakkai and Sanzo were in the other places, all with unbelievably straight faces.

'Oh, yes, very funny,' Gojyo growled and snatched up the teddy. It _sparkled_ at him in an obscenely cheerful manner. 'Which of you thought this up?'

Goku pointed at Hakkai.

Hakkai pointed at Sanzo.

In a rare fit of good humour, Sanzo pointed at Goku.

Gojyo snarled under his breath and shoved it under his seat. He then spent the entire day trying to trick Goku into telling him who had played the trick and failing miserably.

There was something like a smirk on Sanzo's face.

Hakkai gazed serenely into the west, his usual frozen smile just an inch too wide.

Gojyo nabbed him just as he entered the inn that night.

Typical.

'It was you, wasn't it?'

'Me?' Hakkai looked injured. 'What made you think that?'

'So was it Sanzo?'

'I wouldn't know, Gojyo,' Hakkai said. 'But I can't really see Sanzo buying a teddy bear in a shop, can you?'

Gojyo squinted. Sanzo in a plushie shop. Sanzo with a teddy bear. Sanzo walking down the street with a teddy bear tucked under one arm. Sanzo shooting passersby for staring.

He promptly collapsed in giggles.

'See?' Hakkai said helpfully.

Gojyo leaned against the wall of the inn and covered his eyes. 'I think I'm going to die laughing.' Then he lowered his arm. 'Wait, so it was you?'

'I take the fifth amendment.'

'It _was _you! Hakkai, you jerk!'

'Come, now, it was funny,' Hakkai protested. 'And the bear was cute.'

'Cute, he says,' Gojyo grumbled. 'I was humiliated!'

'But you kept the bear,' Hakkai pointed out.

'I…'

He trailed off, and Hakkai eyed him curiously. 'Gojyo? Is something wrong?'

'Nah, it's nothing.'

'It's clearly something.'

'No, it's just……I never had anyone buy me a stuffed toy, ya know. That's all. It was really weird, that's all,' he added hastily.

'Oh,' Hakkai said, brow creasing. 'I see.' He eyed the redhead sideways. 'So you still have the bear, do you?'

Gojyo slowly turned red. 'I do not,' he said indignantly – and far too weakly.

'Really, Gojyo, I'm flattered. I didn't realise you'd take such a liking to it.'

'I don't have it, I tell you!'

Hakkai chuckled and walked on into the inn.

Later that evening, Hakkai was under the covers and reading a paperback when Goku burst into the room, grinning from ear to ear. 'Hey, Hakkai, you gotta see this!'

The lump in the other bed stirred, and then a long pale arm slipped from under the covers. With preternatural accuracy, Sanzo slung the fan across the room to whap Goku upside the head. 'Shut up or die.'

'Ow!' Goku whined. But the grin didn't quite leave. 'Hakkai, come on!' he tugged impatiently at his hand.

'Yes, yes,' Hakkai said, amused, as he was half dragged across the hallway to the other room by deceptively small hands. Sanzo trailed behind them, intrigued and pretending hard not to be.

Goku opened the door quietly and peered in quietly. 'Yep, he's still in there.'

Hakkai looked over his shoulder. 'Oh, my,' he said quietly, and then began to laugh.

Gojyo was fast asleep on the bed, the teddy bear clutched firmly to his chest. The black button eyes stared blankly over his shoulder, peering over his left arm.

It was, Hakkai thought, rather adorable, really.

He rather thought that the next day was going to be quite distressing for Gojyo, though, because this was even better ammunition for Goku than the bears themselves could have been.

A/N: Going on holiday. It might be a while, so sorry!


	4. The advantages of being wet

_**Title:**_ The advantages of being wet

_**Fandom:**_ Saiyuki

_**Pairing: **_85

_**Theme:**_ #27: splash

_**Summary:**_

_**A/N:**_ set right after the end of the Zakuro arc of Gunlock. When they've wound up in the river the second time.

'Damn it, and after we just got dried off, too,' Gojyo complained. 'Twice today. _Twice_!'

'Oh, shut up,' Sanzo snarled, and then sneezed. Six times. He inched closer to the fire and dared anyone to say anything at his display of uncharacteristic weakness.

They'd found a small beach and crawled out of the river wet, achy and miserable, whiny, irascible or cheerfully homicidal as their natures dictated. Hakkai had built a fire, and they were huddled around it shirtless while their clothes dried, seeking the warmth; while the river itself was sun-warmed and comfortable, a chill wind had risen as evening fell. Goku had estimated the chances of a meal, come up with a negative answer, shrugged and curled up to sleep with his customary pragmatism, leaving the three older men to snap at each other. The solid wall of the cliff rested at their backs, the river flowed serenely a few feet to their left, and its gurgling seemed extraordinarily mocking at the moment.

Sanzo sneezed again.

'Are you coming down with a cold, Sanzo?' Hakkai asked politely.

Sanzo looked like he was coming down with a murderous rage. 'No,' he gritted. And sneezed.

'Someone must be talking about you, then,' Hakkai observed.

'I hate the water,' Gojyo said to no one in particular.

'Shut up or I'll kill you.'

'I hate you, too, by the way,' Gojyo clarified.

'I'm heartbroken. Truly.'

There was another long silence. Hakkai was just drifting off to sleep when he heard a thump and a loud, 'Ah, shit!'

'Gojyo?' Hakkai asked, concerned.

Goku snored gently.

'Moss,' Gojyo grumbled, rubbing at his behind. 'Stupid slippery…I hate moss. I hate being cold. I hate shopping for clothes. I hate stupid rivers. I hate stupid fake monks who drag me all over the countryside trying to find some stupid sutra that somebody's probably already used to wipe with, I hate deserts, I hate mountains, I hate the bloody roads.'

He paused for a breath, and Sanzo cut in smoothly. 'Nobody asked you to come along.'

'Please. The group needs me. Hakkai's the brains, Goku's the brawns, you're the helpless idiot, so that leaves me to have the stunning good looks, right?'

'For a bear, maybe,' Sanzo grunted.

Gojyo flushed. 'Well, at least I wasn't mistaken for a girl!'

''Ch.'

Gojyo muttered obscenities under his breath as he lay back down on his roll.

There was another period of quiet, and Hakkai fell asleep again.

He was woken an hour or so later by a soft sound of pain from Gojyo.

'Hey, 'Kai.'

'What?' he asked, cracking an eye open.

Gojyo tried to stand up, and clutched at his hip. 'Hakkai, I think I strained something.'

'It'll be fine in the morning, I'm sure,' Hakkai said shortly.

'No, really, take a look at this. It's hurting.'

With a sigh, Hakkai stood. 'All right,' he said wearily, making yet another note to slowly eviscerate whoever it was had appointed him nurse, launderer, cook, mediator, driver and babysitter for this party. 'Come over here.'

Gojyo staggered a few steps forward, coming within reach, and Hakkai stood, resigned to spending the next half-hour healing him or working out a cramp, and it was right then that Gojyo's feet went out from under him again.

A drowning man will clutch at a straw. A slipping kappa will clutch at a converted youkai.

They fell backwards into the river, and Hakkai choked as the water covered his face, and choked again as Gojyo landed on top of him.

The crushing weight lifted almost immediately as Gojyo sat up, and Hakkai broke the surface and coughed the water out.

'Damn stupid…wet again…hey, you okay?'

Hakkai glared at Gojyo and wiped a wet hand across his wet face.

Obviously, this was not terribly helpful in drying himself up.

'All right, stupid question,' Gojyo mumbled.

'Oh,' Hakkai said quietly. With his slightly blurry vision, the firelight behind Gojyo turned his hair into a work of art – red caught in darkness, each drop sparkling in the fire in oranges and brilliant yellows. Involuntarily, he reached out a hand to touch, and stroked the hair back gently, watching as the pattern of fiery drops shifted and trailed away. 'Do you know how beautiful you are like this?'

'So I guess it's okay, huh?' Gojyo joked quietly as he leaned in–

'_Not_ here,' Sanzo said firmly, with deep sincerity. 'I swear I'll shoot you both if you even _think_ about doing anything here.'

Hakkai sneezed.


	5. God's eye view

_**Title: **_God's eye view

_**Fandom: **_Saiyuki

_**Pairing: **_Tenpou/Kenren

_**Theme: **_#19 aurora borealis; northern lights

_**Summary:**_ Some dreams are more beautiful when they can die more easily

_**A/N: **_and this may seem like a violation of the community rules, but it's _not_. Wait for the sequel.

'The aurorae appear different from the earth,' Tenpou said quietly, with that distant look in his eyes that Kenren had learned to associate with his attachment to Down Below. 'That's only to be expected, of course; atmospheric phenomena are reputedly more striking when observed from below.'

'So let's go see,' Kenren said on impulse.

Tenpou blinked. 'Go…see?'

'Yeah, why not? It's not like they can stop us.'

Which was how they found themselves shivering madly in the biting chill of an icebound forest a few minutes later.

'I d-don't s-suppose,' Tenpou gritted, partly because of his irritation and partly to keep his teeth from chattering, 'y-you'd have bothered t-to bring a…c-coat or something?'

'I thought you were the planner,' Kenren protested; he was mildly better off, having snatched a quick drink before he met Tenpou at the observation areas. A strong gust of wind blew straight through the lacings of his jacket and bit at his bare chest.

Celestial constitutions be damned. This place was _cold. _

'Oi, Tenpou,' he hissed. 'Let's go back.'

Tenpou seemed on the verge of agreeing, but the horizon flared green at that moment, and he was instantly transfixed. 'Oh,' he said happily, like a child. 'Isn't that pretty?'

'Come on,' he pleaded, tugging at the labcoat, but Tenpou was already lost.

'Everything's more beautiful here,' he said dreamily. 'Why is that, do you suppose?'

'Because we're hallucinating from the cold,' Kenren said impatiently. 'Let's come back here later.'

'But we won't have the energy to make the jump twice in one night,' Tenpou protested. 'Let's stay awhile.'

'I blame you for any parts that fall off.'

'Oh, come here,' Tenpou huffed, and dragged him back against his chest. He leaned against the nearest tree, supporting his back, and wrapped his arms and the flaps of his coat around Kenren. 'There. Is that good?'

'Not really,' Kenren said, because better was not good, damn it; and the coat didn't reach all the way around, and Tenpou was too skinny to provide much heat, and he was fairly sure he was going to lose several extremities if his eccentric lover decided he wanted to spend the night. But he'd suggested this, and if Tenpou was enjoying himself so much he didn't really want to drag him away.

And so they leaned against each other and watched the sky flare and fade, flare and fade, bright arcs of greens and purples chasing from one horizon to another, all the more precious because that exact pattern would never come again.

'Beautiful…because it dies,' Tenpou murmured, so soft that if Kenren's cheek hadn't been pressed against his neck, he would never have heard it. 'Everything is beautiful because it dies, and so it must be that everything that can die is beautiful.'

Kenren chuckled. 'You say some weird shit sometimes, Marshal.'

'Maybe I should try it,' Tenpou said, with teasing ambiguity.

Kenren stiffened. 'Try what?'

'Dying, of course.'

'You're nuts.' He turned swiftly, pressed up nose to nose with him. 'You're talking about dying as a matter of academic curiosity?'

'Such big words. Am I rubbing off on you?'

'Answer me, damn it!' he caught two bony shoulders and shook him fiercely. 'Tenpou, if you do something stupid, I swear, I'll kill you myself.'

'Calm down,' Tenpou said, and that pleased glint in his eyes told Kenren that yes, it had been a test, yes, he had passed and no, he was never going to know more than that. 'I won't kill myself to fulfil my curiosity, if that's what you're worrying about.'

'Meaning that you would do it for something else?'

'What could be worth living for, but not dying for? Aren't they worth the same?'

'…I really don't get you,' he said, and let his head fall onto his shoulder.

'The aurorae are that way,' Tenpou pointed out, and he felt the rumble of laughter against his forehead.

Kenren told him what he could do to the aurorae.

Tenpou shrugged. 'So why did you bring me out here then?'

'Because,' Kenren said, 'I thought it would get me laid.'

'Ah. I see.'

'But that's a non-issue now.'

'Is that so?'

'All the relevant parts kind of fell off,' Kenren complained. 'I don't think I can even feel my fingers anymore.'

'Ah,' Tenpou said thoughtfully, evil radiating off him, 'But I don't exactly require your hands for what I have planned.'

And before Kenren could start to reply, he phased out with a grin, leaving his general to swear, grin and follow.


	6. Echo

_**Title: **_Echo

_**Fandom: **_Saiyuki

_**Pairing: **_85

_**Theme: #**_5: collide

_**Summary: **_sequel to #19. What happened when he woke up.

_**A/N: **_this is something that's nagged at me for a while – the loss of power involved in becoming human. Since their forms haven't changed essentially (and they seem rather stronger than the average human/half-breed/youkai/whatever) I have to conclude that there is some sort of (imperfect) barrier that blocks the celestial aspect of their selves from them – innate limiters, so to speak. Although I could be entirely wrong.

Emerald eyes flew open into the darkness, body jerking as he snapped abruptly out of the dream.

'Something wrong?'

'Kenren? The aurorae are–'

'Huh?' and it was a strangely unfamiliar form that hovered over him in the dark; the hair was too long and not the right shade, and the eyes were all wrong and he was too tall, who was this and why did he look so much like–

'Kenren?' he called again, but his voice caught in his throat.

_Kenren_?

'Hakkai? You all right?'

_and the world slammed into him, and the breath slammed out of him, past and present colliding as they had so many times before, the suppressed power of a god roaring through his veins, forgotten but not lost, as such things can never be, awakening something inside him that raged against heaven and raged against earth, too powerful to be controlled, but not too powerful to be unleashed, and the barriers imposed upon him by the laws of a realm he had attempted to transform resisted his power, as the realm itself had resisted his plots, and the fire in his blood faded and subsided, once again overcome by fate and injustice, by the conditions of his mortality-_

'Hakkai?'

He jerked again. 'Gojyo?' The redhead so rarely woke in the night; he even slept through his nightmares. For him to have woken Hakkai…'Is something wrong?' he asked.

'You're asking _me?_' Gojyo huffed. 'You're the one who woke up and called me by that name again.'

'Did I?' Hakkai asked, puzzled. He honestly couldn't remember. 'How strange.'

'Strange, he says,' Gojyo shook his head. 'Idiot. Get back to sleep.'

'Okay,' he said and lay back down.

He thought he'd been dreaming, but he couldn't remember.

He was unexpectedly disappointed by that.

He thought it might have been a good dream.


	7. A matter of preference

_**Title: **_A matter of preference

_**Fandom: **_Saiyuki

_**Pairing: **_85

_**Theme:**_ #1 hazel eyes

_**Summary: **_Gojyo thinks about girls. Hakkai is unhelpful in many ways.

Hazel eyes were pretty.

Hazel eyes under rich black hair was gorgeous. Combine that with a good pair of legs, and he was totally hooked.

Blue eyes were good, too. There was this girl once who had the most incredibly blue eyes he'd ever seen, and she could make them look good, too – pale skin and light hair, nearly blonde. She'd been a firecracker, that one.

Black eyes and black hair were rather traditional, but they could still look stunning; especially in old-fashioned clothing.

He'd pointed that out to Hakkai once, draping a friendly arm over his shoulders and rating each girl they passed on the road; Hakkai had laughed his I'm-Not-Comfortable-At-All-But-I'll-Endure-It-For-You laugh and said that he didn't really notice such things, and Gojyo had dropped the topic, recognising a little too late (as always) that the taste of foot wasn't all that good.

Lately, though, he'd started liking green eyes best, green eyes under ebony hair.

He thought there might be some significance to that.


	8. Time to split

_**Title: **_Time to split

_**Fandom: **_Saiyuki

_**Pairing: **_none, really.

_**Theme: #**_12 run away

_**Summary: **_There is a time and a place for everything, including cheating at poker. Gojyo, of course, does not know this.

This had been a long time coming, Hakkai knew.

Gojyo did have an unfortunate predilection towards cheating when he played cards, after all. And he had an equally unfortunate tendency to believe his own boasting.

It was inevitable that he would eventually have come across another poker player (other than Hakkai) who was as good as he was. It was also inevitable that Gojyo, who believed that valour was the better part of discretion, would continue to cheat as shamelessly as before.

Before Hakkai, who had been chatting amiably with the bartender, quite grasped what was happening, a burly youkai who stood a good foot broader than Dokugakuji had got a good grip on Gojyo from behind and his friend was trying earnestly to kick his ribs in. Gojyo, showing admirable presence of mind for one so drunk, retaliated by kicking him in the head. As he staggered back, Hakkai neatly broke a bottle of wine over his head, and Gojyo used the surprise to pry free of the hold. Then the general population of the bar, which had been expecting an easy win for 'their' side, decided to pitch in – literally, one of them had a pitchfork – with their contribution to the evening's brawl.

He was definitely going to Have Words with Gojyo about cheating, he decided.

……just as soon as they stopped running.


	9. For the record

_**Title: **_For the record

_**Fandom: **_Saiyuki

_**Pairing: **_85, 39

_**Theme:**_ #3: photograph

_**Summary: **_the journey was all very well…what came after was far, far worse. A realistic look at the aftermath of the journey. Not to be taken terribly seriously.

There were official photos afterwards, of course, for all the major newspapers – and Sanzo nearly gave them up entirely for a month afterwards, saying that he only read them to escape from the idiots around him, and the last thing he wanted was to find them in there too.

There were reporters, too; hanging around them, asking questions on the street, ambushing them on the way to the baths, snapping pictures from trees – Hakkai, who was arguably the most private of the four, had been forced to (in his words) be 'quite firm' with some of them, and those journalists had left town shortly afterwards. Still, new journalists replaced the old, all eager to gain the 'definitive' interview or the most 'candid' shots of the Sanzo-ikkou.

The trouble was, Gojyo realised, that they had spent so long in such close quarters that their vices had stopped being so, well, noticeable. Sanzo swore and drank and killed, and Gojyo gambled and lied (though not too well) and chased anything that moved (or had, until Hakkai had very firmly Put An End To All That), and they both smoked like factory chimneys, and Goku and Hakkai were just really nice guys who just occasionally went nuts and killed a couple hundred people or so. After five or six years, they were quite blasé about the whole thing, really.

Now, when they were suddenly expected to morph into the virtuous, pious heroes everyone insisted on believing they were…it became disorientingly obvious how closed-in they had become over their journey, how…_accustomed, _to each others' presence, their quirks, their silent understanding, to not having to explain their numerous eccentricities. Now they had to adjust to the rest of the world again.

And, Gojyo decided regretfully, the trouble wasn't worth the free drinks.

But they were adaptable, after all, and they reacted in their own ways. Hakkai found himself a large library and vanished entirely; Sanzo smoked pack after pack of cigarettes in the privacy of his rooms at the temple, and snarled at any hapless monk who interrupted him; Goku and Gojyo were left to handle the spotlight, which suited them both just fine. For a couple of weeks, anyway, after which Goku took to running when he saw anyone he recognised and Gojyo sought refuge with Hakkai, who had Firmly Established Himself as one Not To Be Disturbed; the fact that people had finally connected the stories of Cho Gonou and Cho Hakkai helped greatly – even the most dedicated interview-seeker quails at the thought of incurring the wrath of a mass-murderer.

It was the request for a set of 'official photographs' by the temple itself that proved to be the last straw.

Goku insisted on draping his arms over Sanzo's shoulders for all of them, which scandalised all the gathered monks, unnerved the photographer (especially when he saw how, er, _low_ Goku's hands were going on one of them) and made Gojyo snicker not-so-discreetly until Hakkai stepped on his foot.

That particular picture (as well as the strategic leaking of a certain photo of the two of them Lirin had snapped of the night after the battle at Houtou) smoothed the way for Sanzo's abdication rather better than formal speeches and applications could have done, and nobody who knew him took his grumblings about what he was going to do to the aspiring voyeur too seriously.

The big-time journalists, sensing that their paragon of virtue was becoming something of a poster-boy for the opposite, quickly abandoned Sanzo and Goku. For a few days the tabloids persisted, interested in rather more lurid details, but Sanzo drilled his point home (literally, through a kneecap and another bicep) rather forcefully, and they wisely desisted.

A story was a story, but an arm was an arm.

Gojyo, seeing Sanzo's success, persuaded Hakkai to try for a similar performance (with kappa-induced excesses, of course) leading to a whole generation of parents coaxing their sons not to become professional adventures since it seemed (although it was only whispered hastily and never quite said aloud) that it turned them, ah, a little _on the wrong side. _

With this, the Sanzo-ikkou were able to retire into a comfortable sort of oblivion, while China said things to the effect of "Lalala, this never happened" and paid them the same courtesy most true heroes were paid, which was to leave them well enough alone and get on with its life.

Twelve years later, once they were sure the whole fiasco was well buried, the temple published an official account of the journey.

In their version, Sanzo was bald (thus, in fiction at least, did the monks avenge the principle that first Koumyou and then his disciple had disgraced) and virtuous, Hakkai was the gambler (and he was saddled with all their vices, since he was a criminal anyway) and Goku was the tactician, and Gojyo didn't do much in particular (in fact, he didn't do women _or men_, which was what they were most interested in proving), and their more interesting adventures had been edited, censored or excised entirely, and had been replaced with the kind of cardboard battles every half-baked hero claimed to have fought and survived.

Which was a small price to pay for privacy, Sanzo commented wryly, and the others agreed heartily.


	10. Within, without

_**Title: **_Within, without

_**Fandom: **_Saiyuki

_**Pairing: **_85, 39

_**Theme: **_#8 fairytales

_**Summary: **_Gojyo changes an ending. Hakkai is sceptical. And Goku always sees more than he says he does.

_**A/N: **_This one's for EoS, because she hasn't written anything 39 in a while and has thus forced me to out of sheer desperation . I have a fondness for this story for some reason, too. Hm. And present tense – something I don't like, but it seemed to fit Goku.

'The Beast,' Gojyo tells Goku loudly, 'never turned into a prince.'

Goku promptly hits him, because he just finished reading that story with Hakkai, and he may be naïve but he's not stupid.

There's a bit of a scuffle, and Hakkai looks up from the book of western folktales, amused. Sanzo fingers his fan pointedly, and he's close enough to hit them without moving more than his arm, since Goku's leaning against the side of his sofa and Gojyo's opposite his gun arm. They shut up.

'No, seriously,' Gojyo says, and under the joking there really is something, something dark and bitter and _true_, and Goku stills and watches him, waiting for the answer. 'Really, he never did. He couldn't have. Beasts don't become…unbeasts. That's just a part made up by the guy who told the story so the kids would feel everything was like it was before and nothing changed.'

'Really?' It is Hakkai who speaks, bright and glittery as broken glass, and Goku notices his fingers are white on the book's soft leather cover for a second before they relax very consciously. 'And I always imagined that there would be some reward for her love.'

Gojyo looks up, and their eyes meet. He looks slightly uneasy, but there's something furious in him, like Sanzo's anger, wound all tight and dangerous. It unsettles Goku a little; Gojyo's the only one he can rely on to be honest about his anger, and this isn't like him at all. 'No, he didn't,' he insists again and turns to face Hakkai, away from Goku and Sanzo.

'And why do you say that, Gojyo?' Hakkai asks, and that broken glass flies through his voice.

There's another tense moment, and then Gojyo leans back against the wall and his voice is all light again. ''Cause there's no way that could just happen, 'Kai. Heh, it wasn't even really his fault he got turned into a beast anyway – all he did was tell some old lady he didn't wanna love her. Which, no offence, I've done myself; when you're as hot as I am, you won't believe the weird people out there.'

Hakkai laughs, and Goku winces, because that laugh is a world of pain and because he knows exactly what that pain is, in a way Gojyo never, ever will.

Because it's true, all of it. Things don't just…get right, he knows that better than he wants to. The happy endings aren't always happy, endings are almost always unhappy, there's always bitterness and hate lying under smooth voices and placid faces, and blood never quite washes off, and bright smiles and pretty eyes don't stop the beast when it wants to come out.

'But the thing is,' Gojyo continues, 'that wasn't really what the story was about. Because it would have been all wrong if he turned into a prince, see, because it wasn't the prince that Beauty loved.'

There's a deadly sort of silence that envelopes the room. Even Sanzo is watching.

'But she never had the choice,' Hakkai says, and he's oddly quiet, and there's definitely something going on here that Goku doesn't know. 'Maybe the prince was better for her.'

'If it was a prince she wanted,' Gojyo said, 'she'd never have cared for the Beast.'

'It wasn't an easy curse,' Hakkai parries. 'Do you think he enjoyed being a beast? Full of blind instinct and claws that hungered for blood, and all the time all he wanted was to go back to having smooth nails and blunt teeth and soft hands and being h– the prince again?'

'So he wanted her just to break the curse, then he didn't love her, did he?'

'But he _did_,' Hakkai insisted. 'It was unselfish love. He let her go so she wouldn't have to stay with a beast.'

'No, he didn't; he let her go because he thought she'd never love him, because he thought she wanted a prince, not a beast. But it wasn't the prince Beauty came back to find, it was the Beast, right? So why would she want a prince?'

Hakkai is silent, incredibly intent. Gojyo doesn't seem remotely fazed.

'You know what I think?' he says. 'I think the Beast never turned into a prince, but that's fine, because she never knew the difference anyway.'

Hakkai breathes out, and it's loud in the room. They're both totally ignoring Goku now; it's like the only thing that exists is whatever subtle battle they were fighting, which just ended.

But there is a difference, Goku thinks, and the thought feels like something imploding inside him, there's a difference, there's so much difference, because he knows what it's like to be a beast, to lose himself, to relish blood and battle and horror, and who would want such a thing, and who wouldn't know that there _was_ a difference? Anyone can see–

A hand, too rough to be tender, smelling of gunsmoke and tobacco, tangles itself warningly in his hair, at an angle which ensures that no one else in the room can see it, and it silences his thoughts as sharply as the fan silences his words. 'Shut up,' Sanzo says simply, too quietly for the others to hear – not that they're noticing anything except each other, Goku thinks through the pleasant haze of feeling as the hand brushes once over his diadem before moving away.

Gojyo abruptly rises, and his hands shake just a little as he lights up as he leaves the room.

Everything subsides into silence after that, and Hakkai retreats behind the safety of the book, though he doesn't turn a page for at least twenty minutes, and his eyes are completely shrouded behind hair and glass.

When he finally leaves, the pall of tension eases, and Goku, on some half-understood impulse, follows him at a discreet distance.

Gojyo's leaning against the door of his shabby hotel room; sprawling, actually, his insanely long legs almost cutting off the corridor, an upraised leg supporting one arm. 'Hey,' he says wearily, and Goku shrinks back into the shadows as Hakkai kneels by him.

'I presume you meant what you said,' Hakkai says.

Gojyo stubs his cigarette on the floor and doesn't say a word.

'Out of sheer curiosity,' Hakkai goes on, leaning close, 'I never did figure out which one of us you thought was the beast. I would have thought it was me, but…I know you, Gojyo. It would be just foolish enough of you to place yourself in his position instead.'

Gojyo smiles, and it's weak but growing stronger. 'Does it matter?'

There's a long silence, and then Hakkai shakes his head slowly. 'No,' he says. 'It doesn't.'

Goku leaves then, before he intrudes even further, satisfied that he's finally discovered what he needs to. He goes back to the common room of the suite they'd rented and curls up on the sofa next to Sanzo, like he used to when he was a child and Sanzo was the adult who knew everything; things were simpler then, divided only into What Sanzo Liked and What Sanzo Disliked and not complicated by all the things _he _wants now, and for a wonder Sanzo lets him put his head on his shoulder and an arm around his waist.

Anyone can see the difference, yes, and so he buries his head in warm gunsmoke, tobacco and spices, and relishes the presence of someone who doesn't care.


	11. Flicker

_**Title: **_Flicker

_**Fandom: **_Saiyuki

_**Pairing: **_85

_**Theme:**_ #23 candlelight

_**Summary: **_Candlelight flickers, like life and fear and dreams. Vague Gaiden ending speculation where (gasp!) one character doesn't die.

Candlelight flickers.

Things turn unreal in candlelight. And unreal things turn real.

The past becomes present in that dim illumination, the clean brightness of electricity replaced by an older light, a more dangerous one.

Is it safe, he wonders, to see things in the shadows that are half real, half unreal, unholy children of wishful thinking and taunting illusion?

In ancient days, they lit their fires and huddled close in fear-ridden embraces, relished the warmth of each other, and though they said it was only to ward off the beasts and the cold, they lied. For had it been those predators they sought sanctuary from, it would have been their backs that faced the light, eyes turned watchful to the darkness from whence their tormentors came. No, they turned their backs to all but the clarity of fire, for it was the world of shadows it created – the price for its safety – that terrified them.

Ghosts linger in candlelight, for in the flickering, swirling dance of light and shadow the eye can see anything, anything at all that haunts the mind's fears or desires.

These ghosts, he thinks he knows, having travelled long enough with these men that he can recognise their wraiths. Here a woman's hands, reaching forward to strangle, there a woman's hands, reaching out for a lover, a brother. Here a guardian's hair, caught by the summer breeze, and there another fall of blond, barred away from memory, but not from the heart.

Tragedies only he remembers in full, a price only he knows why they have paid.

Things flicker in the candlelight, broken like dreams and ephemeral like joy, always changing, always taunting.

They flicker in the candlelight too, having exchanged an unending flame for a dancing, living one, their shadows alive as they once were not – bound by death and freed in life.

Flickering shadows, and yet his remains steady, his fate bound to theirs but not to their lives.

There are times when he would change that, would descend to flickering shadows in exchange for life.

But those are his dreams, and unlike him, they flicker.


	12. Erase

_**Title: **_Erase

_**Fandom: **_Saiyuki

_**Pairing: **_pre-85

_**Theme: **_#9 footprints

_**Summary: **_tentatively post-journey.

He hadn't known exactly how much room there was in the small house they'd bought (which was practically all the journey had been good for aside from several scars, a ton of spare cash and a bunch of boring speeches by mummified monks) until he realised how few of Hakkai's things he saw around the place.

Shirts ironed, like Gojyo's were, neat where his were crinkled, folded tiny and occupying a fraction of the space Gojyo's clothes did, and they owned nearly the same number for all of Gojyo's preening. Razor and toothbrush and hairbrush placed on the high shelf, concealed by the mirror, discreet, above eye level. Laundry hung out to dry only when Gojyo was out – in the hamper tucked away under the bed when Gojyo slept, neatly folded and replaced on their shelves by the time he returned from his evening stroll. Floor always swept, the kitchen counters always pristine. Bookshelves always organised and dusted, as if he never picked one out or read them, despite the fact that Gojyo had begun to suspect that he was glued to them, the way he seemed to be buried in one every time he looked.

It was as if the housework existed in a separate time from his life, as if some invisible army of servants were maintaining the house while he looked elsewhere.

And Hakkai, Hakkai dodged him in exactly the same way. Cooking, or teaching (he'd found himself a part-time job tutoring the town's children at the library), or reading something, or asleep before Gojyo could quite realise that he'd made the transition from discreetly clearing up to discreetly passed out.

It went on for weeks and weeks, until Gojyo finally got sick of it.

The breaking point came after a short stroll together on a hot, muggy day, the ground slushy and muddy from the previous day's summer shower. Gojyo came out of the shower to find Hakkai meticulously wiping their footprints off the floor, leaving clean white tile in his wake, and a confusing mix of worry, fear and sheer fury roiled through him.

Trust him to make himself invisible. Trust him to pretend like he didn't exist, like Gojyo didn't exist, to clean away every trace of his own existence so Gojyo wouldn't have to act like he was, heaven forbid, sharing his house with someone else.

He probably hadn't wanted to come back with him, either. After all, Gojyo hadn't even asked him. He'd thought out a hundred ways to ask, and finally, in exasperation, settled for simply loading both their bags onto Jeep the day the ceremonies ended, dragging him out of his room and telling him gruffly to get a move on. And Hakkai had just smiled and followed him, and that had been okay at the time, but not now.

Trust him to be here out of some twisted sense of gratitude. _You saved my life, so I'll clean your house until you kick me out. _

What more could a guy want.

'I didn't ask for a damn housewife,' was what made it out of his mouth, and he had the pleasure of taking Hakkai enough off-guard that those pretty eyes widened.

'Excuse me?'

The towel wrapping his hair slid down. Gojyo ripped it off, threw it on the chair, where it left a large wet stain on the wood. 'There. That's messy. That doesn't fit in your neat little scheme of where things should be in this house, right? And you know what? I don't care.'

Hakkai's eyes went even wider, and then something flickered across his face too quickly for him to read it. 'I apologise, Gojyo,' he said, poised again. 'I should have realised that I was making you uncomfortable with my…habits.'

That did it. That absolutely did it.

It should have made him furious, it did make him want to grab Hakkai's shoulders and shake him and scream at him, but all he did was sit down weakly in the chair. 'Do you even want to be here?' he asked, that sudden spike of emotion vanishing as quickly as it had come.

'Gojyo?'

'Do you even want any of this?'

Hakkai remained poised, but that flicker of something lurked deep in his eyes. 'I'm afraid I don't understand.'

'To be here,' Gojyo clarified, feeling sick.

Hakkai smiled, the smile he used as shield, mask and attack all in one. 'Well, of course. Someone has to take out the garbage.'

'Yeah well you don't _act like it!_' Gojyo yelled, out of the chair and in Hakkai's face before he was quite aware of moving. 'I don't even know where you are these days, you're always running from me and you clean everything up, it's like you're trying to tell me you're not here and you don't wanna be…' and now he _had_ grabbed Hakkai's shoulders, and what he'd wanted to make a demand had turned into a plea. 'Don't you…want to be…here?'

Hakkai froze under his hands, still and shocked, curling in on himself like a small, frightened animal, and the panic was stark in his eyes before he averted them. With a start, Gojyo realised how hard he was digging into the other man's shoulderblades, and loosened his grip. A flood of shame washed over him, and he was going to let go entirely, let go, go lock himself in his (preternaturally clean) room forever maybe, or just until Hakkai forgave him and didn't do his stupid vanishing act and just stayed – when Hakkai's hands came up to trap his and lower them and not let go.

'I think,' he said shakily, 'that we've both misunderstood something here.'

'No, really?' Gojyo spat and tried to free himself.

Hakkai was the stronger of the two, though he rarely asserted himself, and Gojyo gave up his attempt, glowering. 'I want to be here, Gojyo,' he said quietly, firmly.

The hands in his grip wrenched harshly again. 'Like hell you do,' Gojyo said and twisted, freeing his left hand and grabbing a fistful of Hakkai's shirt.

'Gojyo, please, listen. I…I was just…you seemed to want some space, so I gave it to you. And I thought I was helping you, I truly did. I didn't realise I…'

'Space?' Gojyo said incredulously. 'Space?'

'Well, you seemed out of sorts all through the ceremonies, and when you didn't seem happier after we came back I thought you might…' Hakkai trailed off. 'I was wrong, wasn't I?'

Gojyo let his head sink forward onto Hakkai's shoulder.

'…I'll take that for a no,' Hakkai said wryly.

'And the compulsive cleaning? What was up with that shit?'

'I don't know,' Hakkai said honestly. 'I think I just wanted you to think I was useful somehow. I wanted to make things easier for you.'

'Rearranging my closet every weekend is not making things easier.'

'I just wanted to be…useful somehow,' Hakkai repeated, sounding a little lost, and damn f it didn't drain his anger away. That strange restrained fear was clear in his voice this time, and Gojyo finally understood. It wasn't being useless, it was what it implied.

Oh. So that was it. That was all? The idiot.

He took in a sharp breath. 'I do need you, you know,' he said as casually as he could. 'And not for the cleaning and stuff.'

'Gojyo,' Hakkai said even softer, and slightly trembling hands slid around his neck and back, holding tight. 'I didn't…mean to…'

'I hate it when you try to make yourself invisible.'

'I wasn't trying to.'

'No, you were damn well succeeding,' Gojyo said without heat. 'Why? Why did you think I–'

'You never asked me if I wanted to come with you,' Hakkai said. 'I thought you were taking me along because I had nowhere else to go.'

'That's not true. You could have stayed at the temple.'

'But I wanted to come with you.'

'I didn't know that.'

There was a long silence in the room.

Gojyo knew how desperately Hakkai needed to need, how reflexively and deeply he attached himself. But far more than that, he needed to _be –_

'I'd need you,' Gojyo murmured finally, because he had to know Hakkai knew, 'even if you weren't an obsessive-compulsive freak who gets up at two in the morning to check whether the milk's curdling.'

'You know, I think that's the nicest thing I ever heard you say about me.'

'In fact,' he continued, 'I think I need you in spite of it.'

A helpless sort of chuckle rumbled in Hakkai's chest. 'Gojyo,' he said again.

'We're a pair of idiots, aren't we?'

'Idiots together, I suppose,' Hakkai said lightly, and something in his voice, it sounded like a promise.


	13. Tie your hair in pigtails

_**Title: **_Tie your hair in pigtails

_**Fandom: **_Saiyuki

_**Pairing: **_85, 39 if you want.

_**Theme:**_ #17 orange; colour

_**Summary: **_

_**A/N:**_ the title and the fic are inspired by a rather memorable line from Devera's Strawberry Twist, which is quoted herein. Warning: wretched puns, bad language, Snarky!Gojyo, Kinky!Hakkai and Traumatised!Sanzo ahead.

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Hakkai was many things. He was a fierce fighter, a manipulative housewife, a skilled gambler, a talented cook, a ruthless killer and a gentle healer. Each of these aspects was occasionally quite frightening – despite being the only fully right-handed member of their group, Hakkai embodied sinister.

Sanzo grumbled when Hakkai told him they were having a celebration for Christmas, even more when Hakkai went on to ask him if they could borrow the card to do it, and still more when he realised that Hakkai also expected him to buy the others presents. But he agreed anyway. Hakkai was wearing smile #12: Here-I-Am-Being-All-Nice-And-Here-You-Should-Be-Agreeing-For-The-Sake-Of-Your-Health, and Sanzo was wary of Hakkai's smiles. Especially when they showed so many teeth.

He had no real expectations of what the presents would be. Food from the monkey, cigs from Gojyo and possibly a book from Hakkai, and he wasn't spending on anything more expensive than toothpicks for the bunch of them. Definitely not.

As it turned out, they spent Christmas huddled under a stand of trees, sharing two tiny tents, waiting for a blizzard to pass. Hakkai suggested brightly that opening the presents might help pass the time, and for want of anything else to do, they sat in a circle.

'Me first!' Gojyo announced, because he knew Goku had wanted to go first, and Hakkai smiled and handed him the presents with his name on it (in the interest of keeping the presents intact until the day itself, a near-impossible feat considering the rampant immaturity of the 'toddlers in the back' as Sanzo referred to them, Hakkai had simply put all the presents in his own bag; not even Sanzo dared look in there).

Sanzo had, typically, given him cigarettes. The right brand, though, and a new lighter with his initials on it. Goku had given him a big T-shirt that said "Dork!", and Gojyo smirked and commented that it fit Goku better. Hakkai had made him a pair of jeans and a set of colourful hair ties – a perfect fit, of course.

Goku went next. His first present was Gojyo's; it turned out to be a big bag of candied oranges and apples, sweets which Goku had recently developed a passion for. Goku's eyes lit up when he found them, and he immediately tucked in – although, in a gracious concession to the spirit of the season, he gave the others one each. (Sanzo raised an eyebrow and took one. Gojyo smirked and took one. Hakkai smiled and took one.) The second present was from Hakkai; a set of books and a sheaf of IOUs for various favourite recipes of Goku's. The last present was Sanzo's, and Goku ripped into the small package's covering eagerly. He opened it, and his eyes went wide as he saw the delicate but strong gold chain with the sun pendant on it.

'…Sanzo?'

Sanzo was studying the wall of the tent with entirely too much concentration. 'What?'

Goku's mouth opened and shut twice. Then, with his characteristic preference for action over words, he flung himself across the presents and onto Sanzo, who was bowled clean over, both literally and figuratively, by the monkey's enthusiasm. They collapsed to the floor of the tent, the limiter clunking painfully into Sanzo's chin as Goku burrowed into his neck, clutching him tightly. After the first whooshing exhale as the breath was knocked clean out of him, Sanzo, for a wonder, relaxed into the hold, patting Goku's head awkwardly a few times. Then he pushed him off, annoyed, and rapped his knuckles where his hand had been. 'Stop doing that, idiot,' he growled.

'Okay, Sanzo!' Goku said with bright insincerity.

''Ch.' Looking vaguely embarrassed at what was, for him, a startlingly public display of affection, the monk returned to staring furiously at the wall.

On a little gentle prodding, Sanzo opened his presents next. Gojyo had got him a case for his reading glasses (the previous one had been broken when they lost their packs in an attack). Hakkai and Goku had pooled their money to buy him an expensive gun-cleaning kit and extra bullets. Sanzo didn't look particularly pleased, but the considering 'Hmm' was more than enough sign for the others that he was happy with his presents.

Finally, Hakkai took his pack of presents and opened them. Goku had bought him a new headband, Sanzo's present was the complete set of a series of histories Hakkai had been reading.

Gojyo's present, somewhat larger, was the last. When Hakkai opened the package, the first thing that met his eye was a black shirt, the kind he wore to sleep. He unfolded it, and a book fell out.

'Read the shirt,' Gojyo said, smirking, and Hakkai, curious, laid the book down and opened the shirt, seeing the bold splash of white writing on black.

_**Good Readers Make Novel Lovers**_

Hakkai cleared his throat.

Sanzo huffed.

Gojyo looked absurdly pleased.

'Hey, Hakkai, it's that book you wanted to buy me!' Goku said excitedly, picking up the book. 'The Perfumed Garden!'

A deadly sort of silence descended over the three older men in the group.

Hakkai blushed.

Sanzo rolled his eyes.

Gojyo's smile was touching his ears. This was a better reaction than he could have hoped.

'Can I read it now?' Goku asked innocently, and Hakkai turned from red to white in an impressively short time as he reached over and snatched the book from the as-yet-uncorrupted monkey.

'Ah, Goku, I believe that was The _Secret_ Garden.'

'But this book looks really pretty–'

Whack. 'Shut up, jackass!'

Gojyo buried his head in his hands and was weeping with laughter.

Hakkai turned to Gojyo, hands on hips, the very picture of disapproving matronliness. 'Now, Gojyo, that was hardly an appropriate gift.'

'Hey, what are the people on the cover doing?' Goku asked, squinting.

The Wrath of Sanzo descended on the group.

----------------------------------------------

Later that night, as Goku snored happily on the bedroll next to his, his head digging into Sanzo's roll, the monk heard faint conversation from the tent next to his.

'…no need to do that in front of the others,' Hakkai object ed.

'No, really? Did you see their faces? Worth a lot more beating than the shitty monk laid on me, that's for sure. And I've never seen you blush before.'

Silence. Hakkai must have been giving Gojyo a Look.

'Oh, come on, expand your horizons a bit.' The leer was clear, even through bedrolls, tents, blizzard and Sanzo's sincere desire not to hear any more.

'I regret to disillusion you, Gojyo,' Hakkai said in his primmest sensei-voice, 'but I am already well acquainted with the work you bought me.'

Sanzo's desire not to hear more was now even more sincere.

There was a long stunned silence, then Gojyo burst out, 'Holy hell, 'Kai, you–'

'Now, now, Gojyo, simply because I do not own…such books…is no reason to presume that I have not perused them extensively.' The leer was far more cultured than Gojyo's, but it was very much there, and this was the first time Sanzo had ever wished that Goku snored louder.

'Ooo,' Gojyo said gleefully, 'I always did take you for a closet freak, you kinky guy, you.'

'I'm fascinated by how you arrived at that conclusion,' Hakkai replied mildly.

'Not like there hasn't been any evidence,' Gojyo said thoughtfully.

A shorter silence. Sanzo was just about to sigh in relief and return to staring at the ceiling when Hakkai spoke up again, sounding a little breathless,

(and Sanzo was trying very very hard not to wonder why)

'_Gojyo_.'

'Hmmm?'

'I want to tie your hair in pigtails,' Hakkai said huskily, 'and fuck you until you can't breathe.'

'Glk,' Gojyo said intellligently, 'pigta–'

'Since you do seem to be up for a little creativity,' Hakkai continued, once again sounding demure and polite, blissfully unresponsive to Gojyo stuttering in incredulity next to him. 'I must admit to a little curiosity…and anticipation…on that count.'

_Pigtails? _A treacherous little voice wondered in his mind, startlingly loud, because all his other thoughts were performing the mental equivalent of what Gojyo was doing, which was choking on his own spit.

Then…

'Pigtails, hmmm,' Gojyo said in an obscenely thoughtful voice.

That was it. That was absolutely _it_.

Sanzo drew a leg out of his bedroll and kicked Goku viciously in the shin.

'Huh? Glk. Buh? Wha?' Goku said intelligently.

'Snore louder, damn it!' he roared, rolled over and slammed the pillow over his head, taking solace in only one thing.

Tomorrow, he was going to kill them.

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A/N: Oh, and the Perfumed Garden is a sort of ancient sex manual, supposedly worse (or better ) than the Kama Sutra. I haven't read it yet, but it's on my to-do list. Heh. The Kama Sutra would be Gojyo's sutra if _he _ever became a sanzo priest, ne? I can just imagine him doing the chant thingy too: Ultimate Power of Smexiness, destroy these Uncool Bastards….Makai Tenjou! (sorry, wtf moment there). Oh, and there's a sequel to this – I'll post it up as quick as I can.


	14. Oh, if only

**_Title: _**Oh, if only…

**_Fandom: _**Saiyuki****

**_Pairing: _**85****

**_Theme: _**#20 broken dreams

**_Summary: _**sequel to theme #17. Sanzo has a wonderful idea. The others are less than amused.

_Sanzo closed his eyes, and prayed…and his powers, rarely used but strong nonetheless, connected him to a certain smirking goddess. _

_'Remember this saving-the-world deal we had?' he said. 'Well, it's all off, unless…' _

-----------------------------------------

In the morning, when Hakkai and Gojyo stumbled out of their tent, sleepy and yawning, Gojyo's arm still around Hakkai's waist, hair still in pigtails, they were met by Sanzo and Goku, who were already packed. Sanzo had a gigantic sharklike grin on his face, and looked far more gleeful than they'd seen in years.

'We're leaving,' he informed them, 'and you're not.'

'Sanzo?'

'Huh?'

Sanzo jerked his thumb behind them, and both Hakkai and Gojyo turned to look.

A jeep was standing at the ready behind them. Sanzo and Goku's packs were already in the back.

Hakuryuu peeped from Hakkai's shoulder, puzzled, though not nearly as much as his owner.

'Sanzo, what's going on?'

That manic grin never wavered. 'I,' Sanzo said firmly, 'am going west. Without you and your boyfriend and your pigtail fetish. With Goku, who seems to be the only one in this group not possessed of a hyperactive libido. In my own transportation. Which is not yours.'

'Sanzo–'

'There are two replacements waiting for me at the next town. Straight replacements. Who will not make my night hideous. You two can go do whatever you want out of my hearing.'

'…?'

'Have a nice trip,' Sanzo sneered as he got into his new jeep and drove away, leaving the other two gaping after him.

'Sanzo?' Hakkai called. 'Sanzo? Sanzo!'

Sanzo couldn't help cackling madly as he drove away from the rising sun, away from that infamous campsite, the still-pigtailed Gojyo and the (apparently) kinkier-than-he-appeared Hakkai.

Finally, some peace!

Merry Christmas indeed.

'Sanzo? I wish you wouldn't laugh like that, it's making Goku nervous.'

And how, Sanzo thought blankly, had Hakkai appeared suddenly in the back seat of Jeep (v 2.0) when he was supposed to be vanishing into the distance?

'Sanzo?' And that was Gojyo.

Sanzo shut his eyes, wondering what exactly he'd done in his past life to have to take this kind of shit.

'Eh, looks like he's snapped at last.' Gojyo sounded entirely too hopeful. 'Don't suppose we could kill him now and say it was the Minus Wave, do you?'

What the hell?

Sanzo pried his eyes open with some reluctance.

The tent was still there. So was the blizzard outside, judging by the howling winds he could hear. So was Goku. So was Hakkai, looking concerned and polite and conventional and refined and not at all like the kind of person who liked to tie his lover's hair in pigtails. So was Gojyo, who had, at some point, apparently unbound his hair.

Small mercies.

'You're all here,' he groaned.

'Of course we are, Sanzo,' Hakkai said, looking worried and puzzled and _still _not the kind of person who liked to tie his lover's hair in pigtails.

Sanzo was beginning to worry about his fixation on those pigtails, he really was.

'Where else would we be?' Hakkai asked.

Well, _damn_.

Choosing not to reply, Sanzo shut his eyes again, and mourned what had possibly been the best dream of his life.


	15. Presumptuous

**_Title: _**Presumptuous****

**_Fandom: _**Saiyuki****

**_Pairing: _**85****

**_Theme:_** #24 love and hate

**_Summary: _**everything Hakkai dislikes about Gojyo.

**_A/N_**: I seem to be doing Hakkai-POV a lot. Oh well. I can't get Gojyo that easily anyway. And this worked out a lot less angsty than I wanted to make it. Sigh.

You're presumptuous.

_I wanted to die, that day. And you hauled me up and healed me and trapped me in your dirty little house and your tiny little life and _indebted_ me to you, you stupid selfless man, and so I live, because you kept adding to the debt just by being you. _

You're presumptuous and sloppy.

_You leave ashes in beer cans, underwear on the sofa, your packs in the wrong side of the car, and you're completely unrepentant about it all, which is worse. _

You're presumptuous, you're sloppy, and you have no sense of privacy.

_'It's just the one bed and the spare's thin and it's cold and I'm sick of waiting for your skinny ass to heal, so scoot over.' _

You're presumptuous, you're sloppy, you have no sense of privacy and you've far more confidence than any two men should have.

_Because you kissed me for the first time as if you'd kissed me for years, and you smiled at me like I should have expected it, and then you laughed as if you'd just realised I hadn't. And there was no awkwardness in you, and even when you looked at me with eyes as innocent as a child and cunning as a fox all at once, there was no uncertainty there. _

You're presumptuous, you're sloppy, you have no sense of privacy, you've far more confidence than any two men should have, and you've a hyperactive libido.

_'Hey, 'Kai…' and that glint in your eyes, and how very convincing your hands are, and how seductive the sound of your voice. _

You're presumptuous, you're sloppy, you have no sense of privacy, you've far more confidence than any two men should have, a hyperactive libido, and you say all the things I never want to hear.

_'I love you.' _

I love you. But really, you're intolerable.


	16. There and back again

**_Title: _**There and back again

**_Fandom: _**Saiyuki****

**_Pairing: _**sorta kinda 85****

**_Theme:_** #28 dust

**_Summary: _**

'Well, that covers everything,' Gojyo said, lying back and wriggling until the sand dug perfectly into his back under the thin shield of his jacket.

Hakkai raised an eyebrow. 'Covers what?'

'Well, we went almost everywhere on the way west, ya know.' Gojyo counted on his fingers. 'The plains, the desert, the mountains. The only place we never went was the sea.'

'Yes, I suppose so,' Hakkai said absently as he watched the orange sun dip closer to the water as it hissed and swirled up the beach. Goku laughed as a wave wrapped around him, picked him up bodily and tossed him back yet again, landing gracelessly on his rear and spitting out saltwater. At the edge of the water, bare feet his sole concession to their being on 'holiday', Sanzo said something derogatory about his swimming skills, and he laughed again.

'It doesn't seem right not to travel anymore,' Gojyo murmured.

'Gojyo, we are still traveling.'

'But we're going _back_,' Gojyo insisted. ''s not the same.'

'I know,' Hakkai murmured, and turned away to watch the sun again. 'But I always…I wanted…home is home, after all. I expected to return there, if we…'

'Made it?' Gojyo asked lazily, peering up at his friend, who was standing next to him.

'…yes.'

'Home isn't really home, ya know. It's just a place.'

'Therein lies the difference between you and I,' Hakkai said a little sadly.

'Therein?' Gojyo's brow creased, but years of being around an academic had had their effect. 'Jeez, Hakkai. The words you use sometimes.'

'You're a free soul at heart, aren't you,' Hakkai murmured. 'But I…I need my anchors. I need my bonds to know who I am.'

Which was both his greatest strength and his greatest weakness, he knew. The dangers of defining oneself by others is that in the absence of those people, the self is lost. Gojyo would never have succumbed to the killing rage that Hakkai knew so intimately, would never have lost his very self in the kind of transformation, would never have fractured his soul as Hakkai had – and yet he possessed the ability to give of himself in as complete a way as Hakkai did.

It was something that never ceased to amaze him.

'What does it matter where we live?' Gojyo asked, and his body was curiously still; Gojyo was never still except when he was serious. 'What does any of that matter? We're all going to die anyway.'

'"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,"' Hakkai quoted.

Gojyo blinked. 'Huh?'

'It's a part of the Christian burial ritual. It simply says that we all return to the earth we were created from.'

'And everything we've done.' There was a hard, bitter edge to Gojyo's mouth, appearing suddenly, involuntarily. 'Nothing worth keeping lasts beyond death, does it? After I die…nothing. There is nothing left.'

'Memories,' Hakkai countered quietly and weakly, because he had wondered that himself. 'Those who remember us. Our actions, and their consequences.'

'Then there's still not much I have to be proud of, is there.'

'You know that's not true,' Hakkai replied. 'We saved the world, Gojyo, doesn't that count for something?'

'I guess it should,' Gojyo murmured, and his eyes were closed protectively against his thoughts and Hakkai's gaze.

There was a long silence as Gojyo lay on the sand, and Hakkai watched the sea, and the sun slid down towards the end of the day.

'Hakkai,' Gojyo said, still quietly.

'Gojyo?'

'Home. What is it, to you?'

Spices. That was the first thing that came to him, the smell of spices as he cooked. Crisp, clean new sheets. The comfort of a bed he'd slept in before, that knew the shape he slept in. Of being able to move without needing the protection of his monocle, to not stumble into obstacles when half-blind.

And Gojyo. Gojyo, tucking into his food with unrestrained enthusiasm, slicing vegetables with his long, surprisingly deft fingers when he decided he wanted to be helpful with the cooking. Gojyo, asleep in the morning, boyish in slumber. Gojyo singing in the bath as Hakkai tidied up. Gojyo, looking for his monocle for him, grumbling good-naturedly the whole time. Gojyo, using up all the hot water in the wintertime because he was feeling cold. Gojyo, Gojyo, Gojyo–

Oh. So that was what it was.

How silly of him to have not guessed before.

He looked down again, at the man watching him, head slightly tilted as he lay in the sand.

'Home,' Hakkai mused, in a tone of voice that told Gojyo that yes, he had arrived at an answer and no, Gojyo would not be privy to it.

It wouldn't do to tell Gojyo; he would be completely insufferable if he knew.

If, Hakkai admitted reluctantly, he didn't know already.


	17. Come the morning

**_Title: _**Come the morning 

**_Fandom: _**Saiyuki****

**_Pairing: _**58****

**_Theme:_** #22: ichi-go ichi-e

**_Summary: _**

**_A/N: _**please don't kill me.

'Just this once,' Gojyo had said, an odd desperation in his eyes, lurking behind the raw seduction in his voice, 'please, 'Kai, just…'

And Hakkai, reeling from unexpected pleasure and unfamiliar pain, had barely heard what Gojyo was saying, barely registered the words spilling from him as he moved over Hakkai and in him; had known only his own thrilling body, had, until guilt and desire forced him to reciprocate, distanced himself so completely from what they were doing that only the sensuality of it had registered, and not who he was and who Gojyo was and the implications of it all.

Now Gojyo was asleep, features slack and youthful, contentment in every line of his ever-sensual body, and Hakkai was trembling quietly on the other side of the bed, knees to chest and arms wrapped around them like a child; fully dressed once more, as if that thin cover would be any use at all in shielding himself from what had just happened,

_as if it had been any use at all in shielding himself from Gojyo's hands and Gojyo's lips and _

he clamped down on that thought before it could go too far, because he was all too aware now that really, he had gone nowhere at all.

_Just this once,_ Gojyo had said…

…which accounted for a large part of the shaking.

Of course it would be just this once. Gojyo was not the kind of man who wanted or looked for any kind of deep relationship – not surprising, considering his history with such things. As for what had prompted him to make advances on Hakkai…for that, Hakkai could imagine a number of reasons from loneliness, vulnerability and need for companionship to Gojyo's overactive libido or even sheer curiosity – the kind that made him try to push people just as far as they could go, the kind that made him eye Hakkai speculatively when he thought Hakkai wasn't looking and make comments that bordered on innuendo. There was nothing malicious or vindictive about what he had done – Gojyo didn't have a malicious bone in his body. It was simply…fulfilling an urge, that was all. Even Hakkai could see that.

It was just a matter of waiting until it stopped hurting, because then he could pretend that nothing out of the ordinary had occurred – shrug it off in the morning as he knew Gojyo would shrug it off, with a grin and a friendly hug and a comment designed to set him at ease while gently telling him this would never happen again. Over the years, Hakkai had become a second-hand expert at dealing with girls; his life with Gojyo had been a thorough (and not entirely willing) education in those matters. Tomorrow morning, he knew, would be exactly what he had envisaged.

They had an early start to make on the road, and a full night's sleep was essential to any driver.

He really wished he could stop shaking like that.


	18. Inhale, exhale

**_Title: _**Inhale, exhale

**_Fandom: _**Saiyuki****

**_Pairing: _**85****

**_Theme: _**#6 oxygen

**_Summary: _**

**_A/N: _**taking some license with the theme, I know. Pff. Originally a birthday gift for zan, but I thought it fit in here.

Breathe in.

Hold your breath.

An exhale, deeper than yours.

Breathe out.

Hold your breath.

Wait, because on nights like these, the rhythm of his breathing is all that reminds you that you're both alive.

An exhale, his.

Breathe out.

The nights when the nightmares start, death and blood over and over again. It used to be her face, her hands (pretty hands, hands like yours), her suicide, but those dreams are less frequent now. There are other nightmares, though; even in your sleep you are not granted the oblivion you crave, and in your waking, he's there.

Hold your breath.

An inhale, his.

Breathe in.

These nightmares are different. Not suicide, but murder; not her hands, but his, the quarterstaff-blade he uses falling from them, red blood like his hair like his eyes pooling beneath him. The taste of helplessness in your mouth like blood, the feel of helplessness in your fingers like chi dissipating in unrestrained, uncontrollable emotion, like fractured concentration and fracturing sanity.

Hold your breath.

An exhale, his.

Breathe out.

Keep the rhythm different, so you know it's not just your breathing you're mistaking for his.

Hold your breath.

An inhale, his.

The worst are the nights like these, when it's not some stranger's weapon or some youkai's claws that rip through him, but yours. These are the nights when you wake up shuddering, screaming silently, too horrified even to make a sound; jar back into a different reality where he's still curled up next to you, where your arms are still wrapped around his warm living body, where he's still alive, alive, alive.

Breathe in.

Hold your breath.

There are days when you wonder how long this will last; this tenuous hold you have on your sanity, you wonder how long you will have it, cling to it harder, because the day you lose that hold will be the day he dies, whether defending you from Sanzo's bullets or by your own hand.

An exhale, his.

He won't leave, you know that, just as you wouldn't have left. You have tried and tried to drive him away, to keep him safe away from you, but he must be even more of a masochist than you, because he won't let you. He won't not defend you, either, because that's exactly the kind of noble idiot he is.

Breathe out.

So you lie awake, because there is terror waiting under closed eyelids, listen to him drawing life-giving oxygen into his body, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, and know that he's alive.

For now, that will do.


	19. Sage advice

**_Title: _**Sage advice 

**_Fandom: _**Saiyuki****

**_Pairing: _**Gen, implied 85 and 39

**_Theme: #_**2 rainbows and butterflies

**_Summary: _**The rain falls, and the two more mature members of the Sanzo-ikkou have a quiet moment. And no, it's not the two you think.

**_A/N: _**Pardon me the terrible pun in the title I simply couldn't resist.

Everyone was in a bad mood when it rained, it seemed.

Hakkai and Sanzo, forever masochists, buried themselves in their sorrow, and stared at the endlessly falling water with their pasts overlaid on the rainfall.

Gojyo was usually intolerable because the more the other two (Hakkai) moped, the more he was reminded just how incapable he was of pulling his lover out of his depression. Goku moped because everyone else's foul mood was contagious, and being assaulted by Sanzo, insulted by Gojyo and politely ignored by Hakkai was not what he wanted at all.

He decided that it was Gojyo he was going to confront – mostly because he was the only one who might actually respond favourably.

Since this was Gojyo, after all, he began the conversation by kicking him in the shin.

Gojyo yelped, his cigarette falling from his mouth as he clutched at his injured leg. 'What was that for, you shitty ape?'

'You're all being stupid,' Goku announced, 'so come on outside and let's do something fun.'

Gojyo told him what he could do to himself.

Goku, who had not even known that such a thing was possible, blinked, disconcerted by the rather graphic image Gojyo had created in his mind. Then his former purpose reasserted itself. 'No, you're coming out with me.'

'Are you nuts?!' Gojyo exclaimed. 'It's pouring out there, in case you hadn't noticed.'

'It's pouring in here too,' Goku snapped.

That got him three sets of deadly stares, but Goku didn't bother.

'Come _onnn_,' he whined, knowing he was acting like a kid, but too annoyed to be his age. 'I wanna have some fun for once. It's boring sitting in here.'

'Get him out, cockroach,' Sanzo snarled. A bullet embedded itself in the wall by Gojyo's head as further incentive.

Mumbling about stubborn assholes and pity parties, Gojyo herded Goku out of the room and to the corridor of the tiny single-storey inn. 'Now go eat flour or something,' he announced and headed off down the other side.

'Hey,' Goku said desperately. Gojyo stopped and turned, frowning. 'Look, I just…' He made a helpless sort of gesture as words failed him.

Gojyo scowled at him for a moment before he relented. 'All right,' he said with poor grace.

'Puddle jumping?' Goku asked hopefully.

Gojyo, looking emasculated, responded with a loud NO.

'Okay, just getting wet then,' Goku agreed.

So they stepped out of the inn, and were instantly soaked in warm summer evening rain, the wind whipping the drops until they felt like needles on their skin. Gojyo turned his face to the sky, watching the clouds boil and swirl as the storm wreaked its fury on the ground below. Goku made good his earlier threat of puddle jumping, and when a splat of mud dirtied Gojyo's pants it was a signal for a bit of a friendly scuffle.

When it subsided they were both rather muddy, and Gojyo looked happier than he'd been the whole day. It made Goku feel a bit warm that at least one of his friends wasn't moping about the rain, but just then Gojyo's eyes fell on the window of the room they were staying in, where Hakkai and Sanzo could be seen, and his face fell again.

'It's just rain, you know,' Goku said quietly. 'Why do they get all freaked out about it?'

Gojyo sighed and scrubbed a hand through his hair. 'Sometimes things…mean things to people, that's all.'

'But why should it, if they don't want them to?'

'Sometimes they don't have a choice,' Gojyo said, and that darkness had descended on him again.

'But they should,' Goku insisted. 'I mean, it's just rain, right?'

'You don't like the night,' Gojyo pointed out.

'Yeah, but that's just because I gotta sleep and nobody wants to have fun and I get all tired.'

'Typical,' Gojyo snorted.

'I like the rain,' Goku said, watching the trees sway in the wind. 'It makes everything all green and fresh and everything smells sweet and nice and the trees feel happy and the ground feels happy and rainbows are pretty and when the sun comes out again it's all, I dunno, sparkly.' He had to take a breath after that sentence.

'The trees feel happy?' Gojyo said sceptically.

'Sure they do,' Goku said, surprised. Didn't everyone hear them? 'They have this sort of hum after it rains. Like a low sort of sound that you only hear through your feet. The leaves whisper, too. And they shake themselves off and straighten up and they like not having the dust clogging them up.'

Gojyo shook his head. 'You're weird, you know that?'

''sjust rain,' Goku said stubbornly.

'I'll tell you something, kid,' Gojyo said quietly. 'The world, it ain't all rainbows and butterflies and…sparkly. That's…rare, see? The rest of it, it's all ugly and dark and the best we can do is just hold on to what we can and hope the rest works out.'

'That's what I don't understand,' Goku replied, brow creasing. 'Sure, I know, it's not all rainbows and butterflies, but if they're so rare…wouldn't they wanna enjoy them while they last?'

The rain continued to soak into their skin, cleansing and harsh, but growing gentler as the storm passed over them. The window's glass grew blurred as the wind shifted direction slightly and the rain pattered against it.

Gojyo frowned, shrugged, and finally hooked Goku in for a one-armed hug, the kind he gave him when his big-brother act lost its macho edge.

'Man, the monkey has brains,' he said affectionately.

'Don't call me a monkey,' Goku replied reflexively, and then he relaxed into the hug.

'So, you feeling better?' Gojyo asked, letting go.

'I can hear him in my head all the time,' Goku whispered. 'All the time, when it rains.'

'That can't be nice,' Gojyo chuckled.

'He sounds like he's crying.'

'Yeah. I guess he might be.'

'It hurts.'

The rain had dropped to a drizzle now.

'So, you done here?' Gojyo asked finally.

'Nah. I'm staying till the sun comes out.'

'It's cold,' Gojyo objected, but made no move indoors.

'You know, sometimes I don't like the rain either anymore. Because of him. But I want to,' Goku added fiercely. 'I want to.'

There was a long silence after that.

'..hey.' Gojyo was carefully not looking at him, like he always did when he was saying something he felt uncomfortable with. 'Next time it rains, I'll teach you to float paper boats, okay?'

'Okay,' Goku said, cheering up a little.

'Right.'

There was a short awkward silence.

'…what about puddle jumping?'

'_No_.'


	20. Matter of fact

**_Title: _**Matter of fact 

**_Fandom: _**Saiyuki****

**_Pairing: _**85****

**_Theme: _**#7 tangled up

**_Summary: _**

A/N: heavily inspired by moonsilver's Five Minutes, which I think is classic 58 work.

'I'd hoped you'd realise this before,' Hakkai said casually as he stirred the soup, 'but I'm in love with you.'

'Uh-uh,' Gojyo grunted absently, still staring out of the window and smoking.

Then the little interpreter in his brain caught up with the words, and his mind performed a full somersault before it stopped dead.

'Buh,' he said weakly. 'What. Huh?'

'Of course,' Hakkai continued gently and mercilessly, 'I didn't exactly expect you to make any sort of move back then, but it's been about six years now, and you seem quite incapable of taking a hint, and this seemed much more practical.'

Gojyo floundered in the background. Hakkai continued to stir the soup.

'I won't go into the rationale of the matter, because that doesn't seem important at this juncture. However, this curious reluctance of yours to pursue the matter further seems to me to be an intolerable waste of time.'

The cigarette fell out of his mouth. Gojyo stared at Hakkai's back, wondering whether he'd hit his head or something, because…well…damn.

The back remained absolutely the same as ever. No spots, nothing surreal, no hidden cameras. He hoped, because he knew his expression a couple of minutes ago would have been utterly priceless.

'It didn't seem like you were intending to make a move anytime soon,' Hakkai said, calm and steady, yes, Gojyo, there was a good movie on last night. 'And Sanzo implied that you … reciprocated, at the very least, which my own observations supported, and I thought that this might save us both a considerable amount of effort.'

The cigarette was slowly burning a hole in the wooden floor, and Gojyo hastily stomped on it. The last thing he wanted was for Sanzo to get all pissy with him because he'd burned the suite down.

Hakkai seemed to have completed his quota of mind-boggling revelations for the day, because he didn't say anything after that, just kept an eye on the soup, which bubbled serenely on the stove.

Gojyo stared at Hakkai's back for a while. It didn't seem to have any answers for him, and the first remark that came to his mind – _who are you and what did you do to the real Hakkai? _– would have been equally stupid if it had been Hakkai, or if it hadn't. Gods, it felt like he'd been standing there forever, just glued to the spot like an idiot.

In the end, he crossed over to the other side of the suite and stood beside Hakkai and a little behind him, still uncertain, but Hakkai wasn't talking. 'Hey,' he said quietly.

'…Gojyo?' And Hakkai's voice was so steady, so calm, but this close, he could see the tight shoulders, the faint tension in the arms, one braced on the edge of the kitchen counter, the other hand too tight on the ladle.

Oddly enough, that was reassuring.

Maybe it was just that this close, he could feel the fear radiating off Hakkai, but that stopped everything in his mind dead for the second time. So he wrapped his arms around Hakkai from the back, pulled that tight, strained back to his chest, buried his face on a warm shoulder.

Hakkai relaxed, Gojyo could feel it through the clothes – muscles loosening until his hard, tense form slowly melted back against him, and it was exactly like when they hadn't known each other well, and every time he tried to hug Hakkai he'd flinch and go taut with the effort of not dodging, not saying anything so he wouldn't hurt him.

And then, just like he'd started doing back then, Hakkai smiled – he didn't see it, but he could feel it – just a little – and one hand came up to clutch tightly at the arm across his chest, and the other tangled into his hair.

Gojyo felt a very strong urge to purr.

'This is nice,' he said, almost surprised by that.

'Mmm,' Hakkai agreed. 'And not so different.'

'Yeah,' Gojyo said, a little taken aback by that. He hadn't imagined that, all those times he'd half-jokingly imagined this scene. Hadn't imagined that it would take so small or so easy an adjustment, it had always seemed too big for that to happen.

It wasn't much of an adjustment at all to turn Hakkai's face a bit and kiss him, either. It was a bit awkward and not really impressive because Hakkai hadn't exactly been expecting it and the angle was all wrong, but it was _Hakkai, _and that was the main thing. He knew he was grinning from ear to ear when he pulled away, and even if Hakkai's mouth was still slack from surprise, his eyes were soft and wide and more alive than he'd ever seen them be.

'Gojyo,' Hakkai said when he pulled away, all dark and breathless. This was…easy. This was just the same as it had always been. He didn't know why it had taken him so long – however long he'd been standing at the window staring stupidly at Hakkai, however long he'd been staring at Hakkai before that – because this was so terribly familiar. He'd loved him so long, this was almost too easy.

'Yeah, 'Kai?' he murmured into one ear, in his best Let's Be Virtual Bunnies voice.

It wasn't all that different.

'I'd appreciate if you let me go for a little while,' Hakkai said. 'The soup's burning.'

And Hakkai was still a jerk with an extremely good concentration span who was entirely too focused on the wrong things.

Well, he was going to be changing that, if he had any say in the matter.


	21. In that moment

**_Title: _**In that moment 

**_Fandom: _**Saiyuki****

**_Pairing: _**Gen-ish 58****

**_Theme: _**#10 just a memory

**_Summary: _**Rated for themes. And a darker side of Gojyo.

**_A/N: _**Flagging off the last third with possibly the angstiest fic of the bunch. Here goes.

It would surprise everyone who knew him to learn that Sha Gojyo was not – had, in fact, rarely been – interested in sex.

He had barely been a teenager when he discovered the greatest joy of all – the oblivion that climax brought in its wake. At first on his own, then, as he grew older, with others (although that didn't matter, not really) desperately chasing that moment where everything stopped, nothing mattered, where the partner, movement, breathing, thought, desire, need and even pleasure gave way to the void.

He had finally found his perfect drug, the thing that drink and smoke and gambling and blood-drenched adrenalin could only approximate. And once discovered, he became an addict and a worshipper of that oblivion, which, he thought, was the perfect solution to the nightmare reality in which he always found himself once it faded.

Into that pure moment, he channelled everything he could not face – abandonment and fear and loss and rejection and pain, all of it swirling down into nothingness and vanishing, vanishing, until it ended in an unromantic tangle of limbs, harsh breathing a funeral dirge heralding his return to what he had, for a moment, annihilated. It was that purity he understood, and craved.

It was the perfect solution, indeed, and he saw no reason to change his tactics when he became aware of just how much he cared for Hakkai. He was just another guy, after all, and Gojyo was a real ladies' man. It didn't mean anything that the person he was closest to, respected most and liked best was a man, did it?

Once again, he sought his drug, but maybe it was his natural resistance finally building up, maybe it was his karma giving him crap again, or maybe just his luck; the memory remained. It was a simple memory, just the colour of Hakkai's eyes or the quirk of his faintly real half-smile, or worse, the sound of his voice, coexisting with and contradicting the sound of Gojyo's voice as he murmured half-incoherent sounds of empty passion. Simple memories, and it wasn't even love, damn it, was simply the first connection that Gojyo had had in his too short, too long life that didn't hurt him just by existing; it was only the first thing – the first person – he had known that he didn't, on some level, want to remove from his life, from the purity of the blank canvas that was what Sha Gojyo wanted in his life. A stain of colour

_brightredbrightgreenlikebloodlikelife _

that refused to leave, for the stupid, stupid reason that he didn't want it to, which stayed because the white embraced it so tightly that it stayed defined, stayed close, _stayed_.

Hakkai was the only one who'd come back, and on that thought Gojyo crested and fell, his body far too well-trained to allow thought to interfere with its seeking of climax; but the void that had soothed him, drugged him and lulled him through the last decade failed him now, failed him utterly, and he carried that memory of emerald through that elusive moment and it stayed with him as he fell forward and sideways onto soft sheets beside someone he barely knew and would not remember.

It was sometime that night, as he silently, with the ease of practice, collected and slipped into his clothes and then out of the house, that the realisation struck him in full force, and the thought brought him to tears as he doubled over on the road in an almost physical pain.

If even oblivion was denied him…what did he have left but life?


	22. This probably never happened

**_Title: _**This probably never happened… 

**_Fandom: _**Saiyuki****

**_Pairing: _**Gen.****

**_Theme: _**#11 ice

**_Summary: _**Ever wonder why the Journey to the West is taking so long? In which Hakkai's skills are called into question, and Gojyo is sharp as a tack.

**_A/N: _**Blame EoS for this one. We talked about this a few months ago and it turned out to be one persistent bunny. Offered as a respite from the Angst of Doom, because there's a lot more on the way. Erhm. Yet another find-the-hug fic. Reuploaded because I messed up the German. Fine student of the language I am.

'It's kind of strange, you know,' Gojyo said contemplatively.

'What is?' Hakkai asked as he drove, paying less attention than he usually did. The road was slippery with ice and slush and it curved at crazy angles as it traversed the mountains; though Hakuryuu would transform before they fell off anything, this was still tricky.

'No, it's just that we've been travelling for, like, three years now, and we still haven't got to India. I mean, they told us it was just five hundred miles or so, and we do thirty on a good day. Shouldn't we have been there in two months or so?'

'Yeah, but there's been all the attacks,' Goku pointed out.

'But there haven't been any youkai for two months now!' Gojyo protested. 'Doesn't that sound weird to you?'

'We haven't seen _anyone _for two months,' Hakkai said.

'Maybe they stopped the attacks because of the winter.'

'Maybe,' Gojyo allowed. 'But the people we saw last week over on that ridge didn't really look like, well, like Chinese people. And they sounded funny, too…'

'Do people speak different languages outside China?' Goku asked, valiantly trying to change the subject.

'How would _I_ know?' Gojyo threw his hands up. 'Chinese, Japanese, English, who cares. I just read the subtitles.'

'We do get sidetracked a lot, though,' Hakkai observed.

'It's still way too long,' Gojyo said stubbornly, folding his arms.

'Your point?' Sanzo snapped.

'Well, maybe we should just check th–'

'Oh, look, there's someone,' Hakkai said with some relief. Sure enough, there was a woodcutter up ahead, a burly blond man who was even taller than Gojyo. He looked at them curiously as they drew nearer and skidded/screeched to a halt on the slick road in a move that made Goku cling to Gojyo so as to not be flung over the side of Jeep.

'Good morning,' Hakkai said politely. 'Could you please tell us in which province of China we are?'

The man cocked his head, amiable but confused. 'Sprechen sie Deutsch?'

There was a long, long silence.

As always, Gojyo was the first to break it.

'Damn it, Hakkai, I _told _you there was something wrong with that map!'


	23. Perfection

**_Title: _**Perfection 

**_Fandom: _**Saiyuki****

**_Pairing: _**85****

**_Theme: #_**21 sois un ange; be an angel

**_Summary: _**Hakkai speculates on perfection. Gojyo does not attain it.

In his – Gonou's – childhood, he had been taught that angels belonged in heaven. He had been taught that they were pure, untainted creatures of beauty and grace, or else righteous, divine warriors who saved the righteous and punished the wicked, who preserved life and guarded the dead. He had tried to believe in those creatures, had dismissed them as figments of a warped imagination when he grew older, found one when he grew older still, lost her in a haze of blood, lost himself, and had the misfortune to survive losing everything thanks to a perverse wretch who chose that day of all days to pull himself out of his apathy and make a difference in someone else's life.

Gojyo was definitely no angel.

By birth and choice, he was dirtied, with smoke and alcohol and the touch of those he barely knew, let alone cared for; trying to match his life to what he perceived his soul was. He was nothing that could be called pure. He killed man and youkai with equal vigour and equal lack of regret. He was a warrior, but fiercely independent and allergic to causes, choosing his battles for purely personal reasons. He was careless, irresponsible, untidy, foul-mouthed and coarse.

Worst of all, Hakkai thought, the one man he had saved, truly saved, was the most wicked of them all, the one least deserving of his aid.

Gojyo was no angel, and Hakkai knew it.

Too human, too imperfect to be anything divine, and he was glad of that, for he had known something perfect once, known an angel once, and it was far too dangerous to find something that the heart yearned too much to hold and possess and never let go. Dangerous to find something he found too beautiful, too wondrous and new to leave him stable and comforted, plunging him instead into the depths of love, obsession and finally pain.

Gojyo was not like that.

Purity he was named for, and did not understand – but there was innocence in him, a childlike grasping at the happiness that Hakkai feared more than anything. There was loyalty, too; a fierce, giving brand of it, as reckless as Hakkai's, but quieter, passive, as Gojyo had always been forced to be by everyone he had been loyal to. Courage, warmth, understanding, generosity – they were overwhelming to Hakkai's small and selfish heart. There was much about him that amazed Hakkai, captivated him, made him proud and left him humbled.

There were times when he infuriated Hakkai too. They shared no perfect understanding, no seamless join of souls. There were awkward moments, fights, misunderstandings and uneasy truces. There were spaces between them, they did not join flawlessly, they struggled and worried and learned and clutched desperately at each other in fear he had never known before.

This reassured him more than anything – he had learned to dread the angels, dread all messengers of heaven.

Perfection could not heal. Perfection could not cure. Perfection could merely stand, complete in itself, detached in its completeness from everything save itself, and mock the efforts of those who aimed to attain it. Could only watch, protected by its complacence, as they fell out of the sky on their inadequate wings and burned and died, failed firebringers all. Perfection could only think of itself, and when perfection shattered, it could only die forever, the memory of its purity enough to cripple its ability to survive a stain.

Gojyo was no angel, and Hakkai was happier that way.


	24. The Kapparices of Fate

**_Title: The Kapparices of fate_**

**_Theme: _**#25 the curtain falls

**_Summary: _**Hakkai is haunted. For all the right reasons. AU.

A/N: the abrupt beginning and end are deliberate.

'So let me get this straight,' Hakkai said with the numbness of one too far beyond surprise to adequately convey it. 'Kanan thinks I'm lonely, and she sent you to keep me company.'

Gojyo nodded at him, floating cheerfully a foot off the carpet. 'Uh-uh. Because she passed on, see, and I couldn't. So she wanted me to hang out with you.'

'But – how?'

'She cursed you, see?'

Hakkai nearly choked. 'She _what_?'

'Hey, it wasn't like she was mad at you! It's just the only way you get to be haunted, you know. Besides, the way you took care of her in that hospital, man, wow. There's no way she didn't love you for it.'

'You know about the hospital.'

'Course I do,' Gojyo said. 'She told me all about it. I think that's why she didn't move on to her next life, you know. She was so worried you'd be lonely, and you weren't helping her go, clinging to her like that. Took her almost a month to shake free of your bonds.' He sounded annoyed. 'She was a nice girl, too.'

'I don't want you around,' Hakkai said firmly.

'Too bad,' the ghost said, smirking. 'You got me.'

------------------------------------------------------

'So you believe,' the counsellor at his university said carefully, 'that your dead sister sent you this man to stay with you for the last six months. Cursed you to be haunted by him, to be precise. And that this has nothing to do with your unfortunate medical history, or the antidepressants you've been on since her death.'

Put that way, Hakkai had to admit it did sound bad. Given that he'd been attending compulsory weekly sessions to deal with his grief over Kanan's death, and the counsellor knew exactly how messed up his head was, it probably sounded worse.

'But she did it for my own good,' he tried to explain. 'So that I wouldn't be lonely or sad. And he's a great guy, really, he is.'

Perched on the cupboard, Gojyo grinned and gave him a thumbs-up. 'Great to know it,' he said.

Hakkai grinned involuntarily, then continued, 'I mean, he's like my best friend now.'

'I understand,' the counsellor said soothingly. 'You're lonely, and this is all because of that. It's no different from a childhood imaginary friend. Although, considering how you're persistent in your beliefs, you might want to, ah, see someone about it.'

'I won't exorcise him!' Hakkai said, shocked. 'I like having him around.'

'I was suggesting a psychiatrist, actually,' the counsellor said sheepishly.

------------------------------------------------------

Sanzo was somewhat more understanding, but Hakkai thought that was probably because a) his best friend had only a passing acquaintance of sanity himself and b) he wasn't particularly bothered if the people around him didn't, as long as they didn't piss him off while they were off playing at being loony.

------------------------------------------------------

After two 'innocent' violations of his privacy, Hakkai had strictly forbidden Gojyo to peek inside the shower while he was in it, with the result that he usually sat on the toilet seat and made his life miserable the entire time. Hakkai hadn't had a peaceful bath in…eight months now, was it?

Still, he thought, the benefits outweighed the inconveniences.

'So how did you and…Kanan…meet?' he asked.

It was surprising how easy it was to say her name now. Six months ago, he would have shattered with the silence the sounds broke.

'I was in the hospital,' Gojyo said. 'Just loafing around.'

'Why?'

'I died there.'

'Sorry.'

'No problem. Anyway, I saw her hanging around, just dead, yeah? I was a bit curious, and she was cute–'

Hakkai opened a corner of the curtain and glared.

'I was just _saying_,' Gojyo said. 'So we got to talking. Then she followed you home, and I kind of went with her.'

'Why?' Hakkai asked. 'If you died in the hospital, then why did you come here?'

'I was bored.' Gojyo shrugged. 'And before I knew it, that manipulative little mat–sister of yours had cursed me to haunt you until your death.' He shook his head mournfully. 'Can't trust anyone anymore.'

'But why you?'

Gojyo looked uncomfortable, and quickly changed the subject.

------------------------------------------------------

It was strange, Hakkai thought, how quickly Gojyo fit into his life like he'd always been there, made himself as ordinary and integral as air and water. The redhead had a penchant for snuggling, which was odd for a semi-incorporeal creature, but that was okay. (Or it would have been, except for his ice-cold feet.) He liked his food spicy, and his movies with gore, and sports not at all except for ice hockey. He'd even taught Hakkai how to skate – and Hakkai was sure _that _had looked odd, the way he must have seemed to others – balanced at a completely impossible angle but skating happily and securely. He disliked school talk, but always hung around in class, and his commentary was always entertaining.

It was surreal, and a little tragic, if Hakkai thought about it, so he didn't, for the most part.

'Thinking too much again,' Gojyo said.

He was sprawling on Hakkai's bed, the ever-present cigarette in his mouth. Hakkai put his book away. 'Not really,' he said. 'This is just so strange.'

'What?'

'You. Me. This.'

Gojyo considered that for a moment. The smoke from his cigarette curled gently in the air, and mocked Hakkai with its not-smell. 'Nah,' he said. 'It seems fine to me.'

'But. Don't you have something to do?' Hakkai asked. 'Some regret. Something left undone.'

'Told you. We're cursed. The rest doesn't matter; Kanan made sure of that. Besides,' Gojyo shrugged. 'In a way, I guess I got what I wanted, too.'

'Yes?' Hakkai asked, curious. Gojyo talked about himself so rarely.

'You,' Gojyo said bluntly. 'I saw you in that ugly hospital. You went past my bed every day to see her; I was in the intensive care unit, bed next to Kanan's, throat cancer, so I couldn't even call out to you or ask someone else to, it seemed such a stupid thing to ask.' He swallowed. 'You didn't even know the world existed, but for her. And I'd see you go past, and you looked so dead and tired and hopeful, all smashed together, but gods, you were so beautiful. And then I died.'

Hakkai stared at him, wordless.

'You never saw me,' Gojyo repeated. 'You know, I'm kind of glad you didn't. I just wanted you to look at me, just once.' He looked away. 'Stupid regret to have, I know, real petty and all, but now you can see me, even though I'm not alive, so I guess I got my wish – but I don't get to move on.' A chuckle, dark. 'I guess you'd have some fancy term for it from your high-fly poetry classes.'

'Gojyo,' Hakkai said. 'You're in love with me?'

Gojyo rolled off the bed and turned away from him.

'…oh.'

There was a very long silence.

'You didn't tell me this before.'

'Yeah, cause you'd have believed me if I had,' Gojyo said sarcastically.

Hakkai thought he had a point there. A ghost had taken enough adjusting to. A ghost in love with him? He'd have snapped in a week.

He sat up. 'I don't know what to say.'

'I didn't want you to know.'

'So why tell me?'

'You asked,' Gojyo said simply. 'I'm sorry I can't even leave and let you have your home and privacy back, but it'll take time to undo the curse.'

Things were clicking into place now, inexorably. 'I don't want you to,' Hakkai said.

Gojyo froze. 'Wha?'

'I don't want you to go away,' Hakkai said quietly.

Gojyo turned, and there was so much emotion blazing in his eyes that Hakkai nearly took a step back. 'You're serious.'

'Yes.'

Gojyo was on him before Hakkai could blink, and he tensed instinctively, but Gojyo only wrapped his slightly insubstantial, cool arms around him, pressed his cheek to Hakkai's hair.

Hakkai sighed and relaxed into the hug, burrowing into Gojyo as close as he could get. This was comforting, and something Gojyo had done a lot, especially in the first few weeks when Hakkai had been so horribly fragile; it felt the same, Hakkai realised – not a bit more romantic now.

And then he wondered if it felt the same because this was how it had always been, and he just hadn't noticed.

A/N: this is the only AU of the bunch, so let me know if you liked it!


	25. Replacement

**_Title: _**Replacement 

**_Fandom: _**Saiyuki****

**_Pairing: _**85****

**_Theme: _**#26 "I never say the truth."

There were children playing in the park. Every day, there were children in the park, laughing as their feet touched the sky on the swings, dizzy with glee on the roundabouts, crawling through brightly-coloured spaces and slides.

The parents were there too, of course, watchful and delighted, wary eyes on the strangers, joyful eyes on the children.

And usually, for a few minutes a day, so was Hakkai, leaning on the sturdy wooden fence that separated the park from the rest of the world, indulging his nostalgia and his masochism at the same time, lost to the rest of the world. He got some strange looks, but he had established himself as a kindly and warm sort of person in town, and nobody bothered with his occasional quirk.

'Hey.'

He started.

'Gojyo?'

'Figures you'd be here,' Gojyo snorted from the pavement.

'Oh?' he said, intrigued. He thought he'd kept his visits random enough to confuse Gojyo, who could occasionally be startlingly perceptive, but apparently not.

'Man, you sure like your pain, dontcha?'

'I'm not sure I know what you mean, Gojyo.'

''I'm not sure I know what you mean, Gojyo,'' the redhead mimicked. 'You know damn well what I mean.'

Hakkai didn't reply.

With a huff, Gojyo leaned on the fence next to Hakkai, sprawling on his elbows and propping his head on them instead of resting elegantly, as the other man was doing. 'You miss it, huh.'

'Hmmm?'

'The brats. Miss teaching them, yeah?'

'Sometimes,' Hakkai admitted.

Gojyo huffed contemplatively. 'Huh,' he said again, and left it at that.

A few weeks later, Gojyo sidled up behind him in the kitchen when he was cooking dinner. 'I was talking to that lady last evening at the grocery. You know, the blond chick who runs the preschool. She was saying she was still short of two teachers, so I said maybe–'

'No,' Hakkai said firmly and laid the ladle down.

There was a short silence from behind him, and then Gojyo echoed him incredulously. 'No?'

'No,' Hakkai repeated, consciously unclenched his fists, turned off the stove, went into the bedroom and locked the door loudly behind him.

He emerged three hours later, the plastic smile fixed firmly in place over the equally visible menace. Gojyo knew better than to begin any sort of conversation, and the evening passed in a dangerous sort of silence.

Gojyo was nowhere to be found when Hakkai finished clearing up, and he darted thankfully back into the sanctuary of the only room in the house with a lock. It clicked soundly, and too late he sensed the other, vaguely not-human presence in the room.

'I thought you'd try to do that.'

Hakkai crossed to the bed, not looking at the redhead perched in the window, fully visible now that he'd switched on the light. 'I would appreciate it if you left me alone right now, Gojyo.'

'What got you so pissed off?' Gojyo asked, sounding curious and a little hurt.

'Why, nothing at all.'

'Hakkai, I thought you liked teaching. I see the way you look at those kids, and how you enjoy telling me or Goku about weird things and–'

'Gojyo.'

'No, I won't stop,' he snapped. 'What's so wrong with it, huh?'

'That part of my life is behind me,' Hakkai said flatly.

'It sure didn't look behind you when you were moping over those kids last evening,' Gojyo said and immediately regretted it as emerald eyes flashed.

'No, I'm sure it didn't,' Hakkai said mildly, darkness gathering palpably about him. 'Gojyo, if you don't mind, I would like to sleep.'

'Why are you so afraid to do anything that makes you happy?' Gojyo burst out, and everything in the room stopped dead.

'Stop.'

'Why should I?'

'Stop it, Gojyo.'

'You like it so much and you won't–'

'_Stop it, _I said!'

Gojyo laughed bitterly. 'Yeah, that's your trump card, ain't it. Ignore everything that doesn't suit you.'

'As pushing others towards what you dare not want is yours?'

There was a long silence. 'That,' Gojyo whispered, 'was a cheap shot.'

It probably was, Hakkai knew, but it had served its purpose, hurt Gojyo as badly as Gojyo's attempt to create a replica of Hakkai's…former life…had hurt him. Rationally, Hakkai knew that that had not been Gojyo's intent, that he understood the difference between replacing a life and replacing an emotion; rationally, but she had always made him less than rational. He should have known, and the fact that he hadn't…that hurt a little, too.

He said nothing after that, and they readied for sleep as if the other didn't exist, moving around each other with the fluid ease of those who had shared rooms for years. Gojyo wriggled around in bed until he found a comfortable position, further away than he usually slept from Hakkai even in midsummer heat, and pointedly turned his back on him instead of wrapping his arm loosely around Hakkai or snuggling into his throat. Hakkai let him, and turned away so they were back to back.

The clock on the bedside table ticked abominably loudly, Hakkai decided, and it was impossible to properly hear Gojyo breathe at this distance. He had grown used to falling asleep to that sound.

Gojyo tossed and turned and squirmed, and Hakkai was vaguely irritated by that; it was probably what prompted him to say, 'If I'd wanted to teach, I'd have done it.'

Silence for a while, and then the redhead turned over. 'No, you wouldn't,' Gojyo contradicted, and raised an eyebrow when Hakkai made to speak. 'I'm telling the truth and you know it. You don't choose happiness.'

'That's not always true,' Hakkai murmured.

'So prove it.'

Because Gojyo had somehow transformed the quarrel into a challenge, and Hakkai detested losing, he smiled brilliantly at him, making Gojyo instantly suspicious. 'But of course I do,' he said, both sincere and secure in the knowledge of his victory. 'I chose to live. And you, Gojyo. I chose you.'

Game, set, match. Gojyo's eyes widened helplessly with emotion. ''Kai,' he whispered, and Hakkai couldn't see his face crumple in the dark, but from the suddenly young tone of voice he knew. 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, so sorry…'

'It wasn't you,' he cut in. 'It wasn't.'

'I'm sorry,' Gojyo said again, and he was across the bed and on Hakkai and everything felt so much better.

'It's okay,' Hakkai said patiently, and relaxed as Gojyo pressed nonsense words and kisses full of relief and love into his skin, let the sudden ugliness that had sprung up between them die a natural quiet death.

'Why _are _you so afraid?' Gojyo asked, and all that unconscious courage he bore, the courage that allowed him to seek happiness and give of himself and laugh and live so intensely – it shone from him then, he glowed with its calm certainty, with pure hope, and Hakkai was almost blinded by it.

'Gojyo,' he whispered, and reached for him.

In the morning, Gojyo didn't speak much, still wary of saying the wrong thing. Hakkai was as placid as ever, making coffee, drinking tea, preparing breakfast, sorting the laundry and otherwise allowing Gojyo to grow uneasy as he wondered just what reactions were brewing in the his brain. Finally, just when Gojyo was about to burst with repressed anticipation, he smiled.

'So when did you say you'd let her know? You really must provide these details, Gojyo. It wouldn't do to keep a possible employer waiting.'

Then he swept out of the kitchen before Gojyo could pull his jaw back up and headed for the shower with a satisfied expression.

Cho Hakkai was not to be trifled with. Even when he was wrong.


	26. The shadows, like water

**_Title: _**The shadows, like water 

**_Fandom: _**Saiyuki****

**_Pairing: _**85****

**_Theme: _**#29 silhouette

Gojyo's fingers danced.

Quickly, here, swift birds' wings fluttering across the pale white expanse of paperscreen sky, long wings arching up, up, free, a pure clean arrow of flight. A moment of dissolution, black on white, and then a swan, gliding serene on water, moved past them.

He was smooth enough that Hakkai could see it, gentle grace, even though his fingers were in front of him and it was all an illusion cast on the canvas of light and shadow. His hands, so long and skilled, flickered through form after form, liquid metamorphosis, and Hakkai thought this, more than anything, proved Gojyo a creature of water.

'I learned this from this guy I met once,' Gojyo said quietly. 'He was a traveling entertainer or something, we walked from one town to another together. Just a couple of days. I carried his bags and he gave me food and a bit of money at the end of it. He was nice, yeah.'

A flower, unfurling slowly, blossomed into being on the wall, and Hakkai smiled despite himself, and bent down to drop a kiss on Gojyo's head. It wasn't normally an easy thing to do, since Gojyo was taller, but like this, the two of them sprawled out, Hakkai on the bed, leaning against the wall and Gojyo between his legs, back to chest – like this, he could smell his hair and wrap his arms around him. A pleased little rumble from Gojyo, and he snuggled back a little; the shadows on the wall blurred with his movements.

'…?' Gojyo asked.

'Hmm,' Hakkai said, more to act like he was listening than as a reply. Gojyo's hands were compelling, his vision was trained on the silhouettes like a predator's – which he supposed he was, at that. It was actually making him drowsy, especially with his monocle off. Focusing so long made everything kind of blurry.

'…you aren't listening to a word I'm saying, are you,' Gojyo said accusingly.

'Yes I am.'

'Okay, then, you can go ask Sanzo to lend you the fan to spank me with like you just agreed to.'

Hakkai chuckled, but it was a half-hearted effort. 'Sorry,' he said through a yawn. 'I think I'm too sleepy to pay attention.'

'C'mere, you,' Gojyo said and wriggled until they were next to each other and Hakkai was propped up on his shoulder, tangled together. 'Idiot. Just tell me next time.'

'But you were…' Hakkai began.

'Shh,' Gojyo said. 'Death by Sanzo can wait until the next town.' Even though he knew that wasn't what Hakkai had wanted to say. His hair spilled over Hakkai's throat and face. It was hard to see through it, but he squinted and saw his faint grin. 'Go to sleep.'

'Okay,' Hakkai said obediently, and closed his eyes. Shadows flickered inside his eyelids, leftover sparks from the light, and he though that it might be good, very good, to see that liquid grace again in his dreams.


	27. Prayer for a dream

Title: Prayer for a dream

Fandom: Saiyuki

Pairing: 85

Theme: #15 fait des beaux reves; sweet dreams

A/N: consider this a companion fic to Come the Morning. Because why let only one of them have the angst? Oh, and sorry for the long gap - updates will be regular now. 

Hakkai almost never smiled when he slept.

As fresh as he looked in the mornings, people always thought he was a sound sleeper, but he was anything but, relying on meditation and his chi techniques to keep his body rested and his mind alert while he scraped by on the minimum sleep required.

The only times he slept were when he was completely exhausted, by injuries or excessive use of chi or by sex with Gojyo, and there was a subtle difference to how he was in the morning  if it was the last – happier, somehow. It made Gojyo push both their limits as hard as he could, as often, simply to see Hakkai succumb to dreamless sleep, too deep for the nightmares to attack, and to see him wake in the morning, eyes blurry with sleep. It was the only kind of healing he could offer the healer of the group – the only kind Hakkai's pride would permit him to accept – and Gojyo gave himself to it wholly.

Tonight, for a wonder, he was smiling in his sleep, and it warmed Gojyo to see that slow, sated curve of lips, the way it transformed his face into something alive and real and beautiful. He propped himself up on one elbow and watched him dream. The pale brow creased a little, almost puzzled, and just as Gojyo put his arm across Hakkai's chest and began to let his head fall on Hakkai's shoulder, he heard the whisper, so soft he would never have caught it if he'd been even a few inches further away. 

'Kanan…?'

Gojyo froze. 

Then, very very slowly, so as to not wake Hakkai, he moved the arm off his chest, untangled his leg gently from between Hakkai's, lifted his head off his shoulder and slipped off the bed. He dressed in the dark, easily, having done it so many times before, and even managed to make it as far as the door of the room before his legs gave out on him and he crumpled to his knees on the floor, arms wrapped instinctively around his stomach to protect it from whatever was tearing at it, because it felt that way. 

He stayed like that for a while, because it felt good to double over and cradle the pain like that, it felt good to give in to it for once, here, where no one would know.

Eventually, he knew, he would have to get back in that bed. Hakkai would suspect something immediately if he was gone in the morning; nobody woke before he did, and certainly not Gojyo, who needed persuasion of the violent sort to get up before nine. He'd be worried and unhappy all day, and the last thing Gojyo wanted was to trouble him more than he already was.

He cursed himself for a lovesick fool, because he still didn't want that little smile to fade from Hakkai's face, wanted him to seize whatever happiness he could. Even if it was in the past, even if it was with the dead. Even if it wasn't – it wasn't…

He couldn't move back towards Hakkai just yet, though, so he sat against the wall, knees drawn up, arms still loosely around his waist; watched over his dreams, and prayed they were sweet. 


	28. Prohibition

**__****__**

Title:

**_Fandom: _Saiyuki****85****#The wrong words**

Pairing:

Theme:

A/N: no, not dead. (cough) well, I lost the password to the account, moved, did something about getting a career...you know. RL. Anyway, regular updates will resume now.

Prohibition

This was just plain freaky, Gojyo decided after the third and last bar in town politely threw him out before he'd even managed to sit down, much less order a drink. He was a well-liked customer, he rarely started trouble and usually finished it, he was nice to the girls and he was good for business – gamblers drank a lot. And it wasn't like he was a rowdy drunk, and he didn't ever act nasty to the girls, so he could usually expect a warm welcome. This

He sat down glumly on the sidewalk and stuck his legs out, lit up.

The few times he and Hakkai had fought, at least he'd been able to go get drunk. Hakkai didn't appreciate that. Yeah, well, screw his appreciation (and Gojyo _had_ screwed it, a lot). But this time, he wasn't going to get drunk, it seemed, because he couldn't even get to a place where they had something to drink.

In desperation, he finally went to the bootleggers' hang-out outside town. Their brew tasted foul and occasionally killed the unwary, but he had a youkai constitution. And he really, really wanted to get drunk.

When he got there, though, they told him carefully and nervously that they weren't going to give him anything to drink today, but if he came back later they could see. Which was when Gojyo finally lost his patience, caught the scrawniest one in a choke-hold around the neck and demanded why he was suddenly being "subjected to sobriety", as Hakkai would have said.

The answer sent him flying straight back home, his steps fueled by righteous anger.

Hakkai was placidly reading a book, and he looked up detachedly when Gojyo flounced through the door. 'Oh, hello,' he said.

'Hello my ass,' Gojyo seethed. 'Did you tell everyone in town not to give me drinks?'

'Well, I…'

'A straight answer, Hakkai. Yes, or no?'

'Only when we were fighting.'

'And how were they supposed to know that?' Gojyo demanded. Oh, this was bloody unbelievable.

'Well, I called in and told them.'

'There's no way you could have gone to town faster than I did.'

Hakkai calmly tapped the cellphone they used to contact Sanzo. 'I have ways.'

'What the hell was that about?'

'I based it off past incidences.' Hakkai shrugged. 'When you get drunk, you spend a ridiculous amount of time outside, stagger home in the middle of the night, make me get out of bed to let you in, give you coffee and something to eat. You then proceed to attempt to molest me, with varying degrees of success depending on how much you've imbibed. I simply tried to simplify the process, such as it is.'

Gojyo fought down the urge to strangle him, reminding himself that in the morning, that wouldn't seem nearly as attractive an idea as it did now. 'And what…' he trailed off, speechless from sheer fury. 'What makes you think that'll work, you arrogant ass?'

'Well, you are here right now,' Hakkai pointed out reasonably.

Gojyo stared at him for a very long time. Hakkai stared back, and his lips twitched as he restrained his grin.

'You,' Gojyo said slowly, 'are a very scary guy, has anyone ever told you that?'

'Not to my memory, no,' Hakkai replied with a straight face.

Gojyo sank down onto a chair and began to laugh weakly, putting his head on his arms, resting on the table. He laughed until he was weak with it, and Hakkai patted his hair fondly. 'See? I knew you'd see it my way.'

'You're horrible,' Gojyo accused the table.

'Of course I am, dear,' Hakkai said mildly. 'You knew that when you got involved with me. This is rather late to use ignorance as an excuse, don't you think?'

'Utterly horrible,' Gojyo said, propping his chin on his hands and meeting his gaze, and unable to keep the hilarity from his own. Whatever they'd fought about, and he could barely remember it now, was gone as if it had never been.

'Yes, yes,' Hakkai said, sounding insufferably smug. 'And now, Gojyo, you've neither being drinking yourself into stupor or nausea, and you're back home early and sober, I suggest we get to the molestation as soon as possible. In the interest of effective time management, of course.'

Gojyo pushed his chair back, grinning.


End file.
